"George, Your Hypochondria's Showing" - Send Me No Flowers

Let's talk about Send Me No Flowers.

via heckyeahdorisday

But before we do, this blog post is part of the fourth annual Doris Day blogathon hosted by Love Letters to Old Hollywood (you can read the rest of the entries here).

Released in October 1964, this is the final pairing of Doris Day and Rock Hudson. They made three films together: Pillow Talk (1959), Lover Come Back (1961), and this. Notably, Send Me No Flowers is the only film they made that doesn't involve mistaken identity or Rock Hudson playing a big ole womanizer or dating of any kind.

For starters, they're already married when the film begins. Living happily in the suburbs in a fantastic house. I'm jumping ahead of myself, but look at these interiors:

The living room and entryway.

The master bedroom and behind her, the closet.

The kitchen and fridge, with all the labels turned away except for Coca Cola...

Doris plays Judy Kimball, a housewife; Rock plays George Kimball, a hypochondriac. We never find out what, exactly, his job is aside from him having to take the train into the city to do it. He spends most of his time worrying that he's caught a bug. He reads the obituaries in the newspaper for fun ("It's enough to scare you to death!"), takes myriads of pills for breakfast because he's watching his cholesterol, and whenever he reads about a health issue in the news, he assumes he has it.

Judy: Remember the year they operated on Whitey Ford? Remember that? You thought you had bone chips in your elbow.

George: Yeah, well, there definitely was pain there.

Judy: George, your hypochondria's showing.

When the story begins, George isn't feeling well. One of my favourite bits is how this is framed like a medicine commercial, and how the narrator asks George leading questions and makes him think he's ill.

Meanwhile, Judy's outside picking up the groceries from the delivery man (who's giving her the neighbourhood gossip, like the fact that Linda Bullard is getting divorced). While George is stressing in the shower (taking his temperature and worrying about how high it is), she accidentally locks herself out.

In the struggle to get back in, she drops all the groceries and has to climb back in through the window, while the dry cleaner watches and whistles. Never say Doris Day wasn't up for physical comedy.

Before we get too far, take a look at their next-door neighbour/George's best friend, Arnold. He's played by Tony Randall—the Pillow Talk/Lover Come Back/Send Me No Flowers trifecta is complete! And though he's not as neurotic as his previous outings, he's still slightly neurotic and fun to watch. We'll come back to him.

Anyways, after a fashion, George decides to visit Dr. Morrissey (played by Edward Andrews, who you've seen in everything from The Twilight Zone to The Thrill of It All to The Glass Bottom Boat to Sixteen Candles) for this sudden pain in his chest. He'd been having lunch with an acquaintance, Winston Burr, who says he likes to hit on recent divorcées and widows to console them, causing George to have a spell. 

Dr. Morrissey is tired of dealing with George (and he'd only just seen him two weeks ago, though George earlier tells Judy that two weeks is meaningless because the human body can turn on you like that!) and asks him to describe the pain. 

Dr. Morrissey: Is it a sharp pain, is it a dull pain, or does it grip like a vice?

George: Yes, yes!

Dr. Morrissey: No, no, no! Pick ONE!

George: I guess it's a sharp pain, hurts like the dickens when I press it.

Dr. Morrissey: Then don't press it!

It's nothing, of course, but he still offers George a pill, which he takes in the bathroom. While there, he eavesdrops on Dr. Morrissey speaking on the telephone about another patient who has only weeks to live and says he won't bother telling him.

You see where this is going? George thinks he's talking about him. 

And when he prods Dr. Morrissey—without, it should be said, ever asking if he was talking about him—he's vague enough that George is convinced he's saying everything without saying anything. To add further fuel to the fire, it's a Friday afternoon and Dr. Morrissey will be out on his boat all weekend. 

There's a funny scene cut in here that shows Judy putting together George's pill box while a neighbour waits for her. Turns out, she's been putting placebos in place of some of his pills and he hasn't noticed.

Back to George. Saddled with this tragic news, on the train ride home, he tells Arnold that he's dying. Arnold... takes it well. He spends the rest of the film in a drunken stupor, devastated at the thought of losing his best friend. 

He doesn't tell Judy though, but he starts to worry when she writes out a cheque wrong and it gets sent back. Turns out she wrote the numbers of her license plate, not the amount she owed. He's convinced she won't be able to take care of herself in a few weeks when he's dead.

And Arnold only adds to his worry when he reminds George that Judy'll probably get remarried anyway. After watching her have a dream (that he interprets her as dancing around the house with her new husband and celebrating the $50,000 life insurance policy that was just cashed on George), he decides to be proactive about his death. 

Cue Mr. Akins, the funeral director at Green Hills Cemetery. Recognize him? That's Paul Lynde, one of the great character actors of the era, and probably best known today as Uncle Arthur from Bewitched. 

As Mr. Akins helps George find the perfect plot, he throws in another wrench: he wants to prepare for three plots—his own, Judy's, and Judy's second husband. 

Mr. Akins: How many in your family?

George: Just my wife and myself.

Mr. Akins: Oh...well, that's all right. Chance of any little additions, maybe?

George: Well, there might be another man along later.

Mr. Akins: I beg your pardon? 

This whole scene is hilarious and dark. Mr Akins points out the best section of the cemetery and offers three plots there. As it's kept in tip-top shape at all times because, "When you're ready, we're ready." George calls that a "comforting thought." He also mentions how families will come in and pick out their plots together: "The kids love it. They have a ball." 

One last thing about this scene, and I can't explain it, but I love how this may all be for naught, as "The only problem is that eventually there may be a state highway that'll go through Green Hills in 1980," according to Mr. Akins, and if that does happen, the cemetery will move them at no expense. 

Now that he has their resting places figured out, George has one last task before he shuffles off this mortal coil: to pick out a second husband for Judy. They're all at the golf club this weekend, so while Judy golfs alone (on what looks more like a Jetsons robot prototype than a golf cart), George and Arnold skulk around analyzing the men.

Judy's golf cart goes akimbo, and the only person who can save her is, conveniently, her college beau, Bert Powers, who just so happens to arrive at the exact right moment on horseback. 

They dine with Judy's rescuer, who's now a Texas oil tycoon, and agree that he'd be the perfect second husband. Note a little risque humour here: Bert sits with his legs crossed and his feet on display. Though it's meant to look like Arnold's drunkenly appraising his nice, polished shoes, the subtext there is that he's checking his foot size...

George invites him to the dance that evening as their guest, and when the night comes, forces Judy to dance and chat with him.

While Judy's off dancing with her apparently soon-to-be husband, George takes Linda Bullard, a newly-divorced neighbour, into the coatroom to warn her about Winston Burr (the old friend who hits on divorcées and widows). She kisses him to thank him, and guess who just so happens to appear at that moment? Judy. 

She's furious. She's convinced the only reason he's been forcing her on Bert all evening is so that he can conduct an affair with Linda Bullard. Then she tries to leave in the wrong car. What kind of neighbourhood do they live in that they all have this car model? 

We follow them through the parking lot for a bit as Judy tries to find the right car, and when she tries to drive off, George jumps in after her. 

He worms his way into the car and finally reveals "the truth" to his wife. He's dying. He's not exaggerating this time, Dr. Morrissey confirmed it. Judy runs the gamut of emotions here: incredulous that he's lying to her this way, angry, indignant, and then finally, she crumbles and believes him. 

We cut to the next morning, where Judy is playing nurse to a wheelchair-ridden George while Arnold is still drunk in the background. She promises to take care of him in his early dotage. They'll spend their entire life savings to cure him, she promises. They'll take him to the Mayo Clinic. They'll make sure he doesn't die. 

Then Dr. Morrissey shows up to offer the Kimballs some of the fish he caught. George is sleeping, but Judy's furious with him. He says he had nothing urgent keeping him at the office over the weekend.

When he realizes what's happening, he tells her that George is not dying. He starts laughing when she says she's firing him and taking him to the Mayo Clinic, and reveals that George will probably outlive them all, and that there's nothing wrong with him. He'd need to be a psychiatrist to diagnose that one, and he may come back in the next life as one to figure it out. 

Judy then becomes incandescent with rage and draws the only conclusion she can: George is having an affair with Linda Bullard and lied about dying to cover it up. Dr Morrissey offers some quality '60s advice to a wife in her position: try to forget about it and ignore it. 

Great idea there, doc. Take your fish and we'll see you in the next Doris Day comedy.

Judy comes up with a plan. She gets all dressed up, walks into the bedroom where George is sleeping and then...

via giphy

Smacks him awake. 

She plays it like he's just been startled awake from a nightmare and promises to take care of him. She's wearing a beautiful nightgown and the perfume he once bought her. George begins to kiss her, but she walks to the window and plans out the next step of her revenge. 

She wants to recreate their fifth wedding anniversary, where they came home "on a night like this" and had champagne outside. Only they can't, because he's dying. Suddenly boisterous, George darts out of bed, vaults over the railing of the stairs, and runs down to the fridge. Judy ushers him into a wheelchair and then pushes him out of the house.

She tosses all of his pills out the window and tells him to run to Linda Bullard's house for an explanation. Then she tosses a hot water bottle at him, which bursts. So George does the only thing he can do: walks across the backyard to Arnold's house.

Arnold's been writing his eulogy: "They needed a good sport in Heaven, so they sent for George Kimball." George doesn't want to hear it, he wants to go to bed in dry pajamas.

He tells Arnold that he's been thrown out of the house and they start a bedtime routine of picking out clothes, popping champagne (Arnold), and deciding which side of the bed each will sleep on (George can't sleep in the kids' room because it's being painted while they're at camp). They both sleep on the side Arnold sleeps on, so they fight for a minute over who'll claim the spot. As you'll see, Arnold wins that battle.

My favourite part of this scene is how Arnold has the eulogy all written, but every time George says something snarky, he scratches out a section. By the end of it, George is no longer considered to have "unfailing good humour," to be a "faithful and devoted husband," to have "courtesy and consideration for others" or to be a "loyal friend." 

As Arnold tells him just before they fall asleep, "Keep it up, buddy. You're going to have the shortest eulogy on record." 

The next morning Winston calls Judy while George listens in. He's already hitting on her because he'd heard from the milkman that they were getting divorced. Once she hangs up the phone, we see George listening in the bushes while said milkman hides with him. 

Then Bert Powers shows up in the tiniest sports car on the market while George yells at Dr. Morrissey at Arnold's house. Arnold comes downstairs with his eulogy and feels bad. "I took out so much last night, I'd better put some back in." George tells him that he's not dying after all. Arnold's so happy to hear that he's going to live, but he's furious that he's been drunk for three days and spent two days and two nights writing a eulogy he won't get to give.

The milkman, now at Arnold's house for his delivery, interrupts them: Judy is packing her bags to go to Reno for a quickie divorce. George rushes over to the house. Arnold stuffs the eulogy away for safe keeping. 

via heckyeahdorisday

George plays a pre-recorded message to Judy and Bert, but she refuses to believe it. She thinks he only just recorded it to cover up the affair. She finds a hole in every part of his story, and Bert sits there egging her on. Just before he leaves, George asks him to wear real shoes. Then Judy stares at his feet, just like Arnold earlier.

Arnold tells him to admit to the fake affair. It's the only way he'll get Judy back, and if he has to spend the rest of his life making it up to her, so be it. Arnold tells him to make up a story about who she was, why he did it, did Judy's friends ever see them together, was it worth it, and to have it ready to go. Doesn't matter that he's innocent, Judy'll never believe the truth, so make up a whopper. 

While they're concocting this plan, Judy slips away to the train station and they have to make a mad dash after her. There's screwball comedy here in that they jump into separate cars and Arnold doesn't realize he isn't driving anyone until George passes him in a separate car. 

He grabs her in the train station, confesses to everything and wants her forgiveness. She storms off into the baggage room and he follows her. There he tells her to ask specific questions so he can "snap off the answers" he already prepared.

She knows he's not having an affair with Linda Bullard because she called her earlier to commiserate over Winston. He says her name is Dolores. Dolores...Yellowstone (he gets the last name from a Yellowstone National Park poster on the wall). She asked him to pass the wheat germ at the health food store. She's a marine biologist who works at the aquarium. Judy's friends never saw them, and she wasn't worth this pain. "WHO ASKED YOU FOR THAT?" Judy asks. "I threw it in as a bonus," he says. 

She says he's lying. He says he's telling the truth. He sent Dolores away to start a new life. She didn't want to leave, she was broke, but he gave her the money to go. She asks for proof. He provides the cheque made out to CASH (that he'd previously written out for the Green Hills Cemetery plots). 

Then she reveals her truth: she hadn't bought a train ticket. She went to see a divorce lawyer, but changed her mind. She was ready to forgive him but then he followed her and confessed to an affair. He tries to take it back, that he'd made this all up, but she doesn't believe him. She tells him goodbye and not to follow her. 

Back at the house, Judy has her bags packed when the doorbell rings. It's Mr. Akins. 

He's there with the deed to their cemetery plots and a receipt for the cheque made out to CASH. He reveals that George had already bought cemetery plots for them, and she realizes that George was telling the truth. "There is no other woman!" 

"No, but we did make arrangements for another man," Mr. Akins says. "Yes, Mr. Kimball was very thoughtful. He made provisions for a second husband." 

Mr. Akins says the idea was so unique that they've decided to advertise plots for second wives and second husbands in their next campaign. She tells him to keep it secret, she doesn't want to ruin George's surprise for her. As George is coming home, she tells him to slip out the back. 

"Don't be a stranger," he says. 

When George comes in, Judy's facing our way, so he can't see the smile. She says she's changed her mind about leaving him. He asks, "What about my affair with Dolores?" She says she's going to forgive him. 

The doorbell rings, George rushes to answer it. It's Winston with a bouquet of roses. George punches him, takes the roses, and just as Judy comes rushing in with champagne, he presents her with the flowers. 

They hug and George gets poked by one of the thorns. 

"We have iodine anywhere?" Judy laughs, says no, and they kiss and make up.

And that's Send Me No Flowers.

It's not a perfect story, but I enjoy it just the same, and I'll always enjoy the opportunity to see Doris Day and Rock Hudson on the screen together. Out of their three films, this one's plot was the hardest to guess. I was left until the very last minute believing that they'd wind up together (even though I should've known by virtue of this being a Day/Hudson picture). 

Other Tidbits:

- Here's Doris Day singing the title song, 'Send Me No Flowers'. It's very catchy.

-  Rock Hudson apparently hated the concept of the film. According to IMDb, he said, "Right from the start, I hated the script. I just didn't believe in that man for one minute. Making fun of death is difficult and dangerous. That scene where I went out and bought a plot for myself in the cemetery - to me it was completely distasteful."

- Time Out London's review: "[P]robably the best of the Doris Day/Rock Hudson vehicles ... nicely set in a pastel-coloured suburban dreamworld, but the ineradicable blandness gets you down in the end."

- I love this blog post from Between Naps on the Porch exploring the Kimball house.

- And if you're looking for a little fashion inspiration, Little Gold Pixel has a spin on Doris Day's green outfit from the train/badly-written-cheque scene.

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Did you like Send Me No Flowers? Tell me why or why not in the comments!