"I Ask Him If He Would Like to Kiss Me, and He Says He Hasn't Got Time…" - Man's Favorite Sport?

I love Man's Favorite Sport?. Love it, love it, love it. It's a movie I frequently turn to when I need cheering up or just want a laugh. It's the successor of Bringing Up Baby, with dry Rock Hudson and kooky Paula Prentiss, and honestly? It's just so fun. 

via tumgir

This post is for the Laughter is the Best Medicine Fall Blogathon from the Classic Movie Blog Association. Make sure you read all the entries this week and have a laugh! 

Hello gorgeous, and hello Paula. You're quickly becoming one of my favourite '60s comediennes.

I'll spare you: man's favourite sport is girl (or woman, but, you know... twas the era.). Anyways, the main theme is by Henry Mancini, and you can listen to it here:

I always appreciate a Henry Mancini tune. 

In many ways, some quite literally, this film is the successor/imitator/companion to Bringing Up Baby. It borrows a few gags, a few lines, a few character traits... it even borrows the director. Howard Hawks envisioned this as a successor for his now-classic film, and apparently even tried luring Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn into making the film in the roles they'd played in Bringing Up Baby. 

As you can tell, that didn't work. Instead we get Rock Hudson and Paula Prentiss. When the film begins, they're vying for the same parking spot, which she manages to snag. Turns out it's his parking spot, as in, his employee spot; she's just there for a meeting. But, like the ditzy heiress Katharine Hepburn played last time, Paula's character is also slightly (maybe more than slightly, once we get into the thick of it) ditzy as well. 

She tells Rock, who's playing a sporting goods salesman named Roger Willoughby, that if he can get into her car and move it, he's free to do so. But Roger's waaaay too tall to fit into her tiny NSU Sport Prinz, so he eventually attracts police attention as he tries to get in through the sun roof. 

The police officer wants to see the registration, and keeps calling Roger 'Abigail' and not realizing that he's reading Roger's license against Abigail's registration. This only infuriates Roger more and makes him late for work. 

Roger works at Abercrombie & Fitch, which you and I associate with prepster clothing but back in the day was a sporting good company. He's an expert in the fishing world, having written books on the subject, and all the hobby men come asking for his opinions, including this man, Major Phipps. 

Recognize him? It's Roscoe Karns, a prolific character actor who made a name for himself in the '30s (you might recall him from Twentieth Century, Cain and Mabel, His Girl Friday, and, my favourite, as Oscar Shapeley in It Happened One Night). He wants a new fishing rod for an upcoming fishing tournament, and Roger's teaching him how to use it. 

Meanwhile, upstairs, Abigail and her best friend/co-worker, Isolde "Easy" are meeting with Roger's boss to discuss his participation in their fishing competition.

First of all, Roger looks overjoyed when he finds out that he's been volun-told to do this...and overjoyed at the fact that it's Abigail once again... 

But Roger's boss, Mr. Cadwalader (played by another favourite character actor of the period, John McGiver) is adamant that he'll participate, so it's up to Roger to explain to Abigail and Easy why he can't. 

Cue the protracted and hilarious sequence of him trying to let them in on his secret, first at a restaurant with a rotating bar that he couldn't get a seat at...

...and then going to the Piano Museum (such a thing exists?)...

...and turning on every machine in the place before he'll tell them. 

But now they can't hear him over the din, so he has to scream: "I have never been fishing in my entire life!"

And all the fuses blow just as Abigail yells back, "Of course you're a phoney!"

But if Roger thought this was going to solve his problems...well, think again. 

Roger: Now you know I no longer can help you, you better tell Mr. Cadwalader you've changed your mind.

Abigail: Have I, hmm? Have I changed my mind?

She tells him to buy her lunch so she can think up a scheme to guarantee Roger's participation in the tournament, so off they go. The picture of love! She asks how Roger managed to make it this far as a phoney, so he tells her the story. 

Roger: I got a job. Selling fishing tackle in a little place. I listen to my customers. Fishermen love to talk. What one customer told me, I told the next one. Then I got a job at Abercrombie & Fitch. I read up on everything on fishing.

Abigail: Why didn't you just fish?

Roger: Because I happen to hate fish, to handle them, to smell them.

Abigail: Oh, no, and I brought you to this fish place.

Roger: I don't even like 'em on a plate.

Abigail: Order ham and eggs. Listen, it still seems dishonest to me.

Roger: Dishonest? Does a man who sells canaries have to learn to fly? Look, people ask me questions, I give them the right answers. What's wrong with that? I never claimed to be a fisherman.

Abigail: You never un-claimed it.

Roger: It never seemed important until now.

Abigail: Well, I'm just glad I didn't pay $1.50 for your book.

Roger: $2. People won cups from what they've learned in my book.

Abigail: You better start studying it.

Roger: Why?

Abigail: Because you're entering our tournament.

Roger: I just told you, I have no intention of fishing in your tournament.

Abigail: Roger, it's up to you. But you'd look pretty silly...

Roger: Silly? I'd look like...

Abigail: A phoney.

Roger: I don't like that word.

Abigail: But it's true, isn't it?

Roger: No, it isn't. But if customers learned the truth I'd lose them, I'd lose my job. Cadwalader would have me thrown out right on my ear. And if I entered your tournament they'd know. 

Abigail: Maybe they would, but they'd be sure to know if you didn't.

Roger: Do you mean...

Abigail: I'd tell 'em.

Roger: I believe you would.

Abigail: You know I would. Roger, you don't have to win the tournament. You just have to make a reasonably good showing.

Roger: How? You tell me how.

Abigail: Millions of people know how to fish. I figure that you could learn with the right incentive, like keeping your job.

Roger: Did you take a special course in blackmail or is it just a natural talent?

Abigail: Now, it won't do either one of us any good to be bitter. I know that you're a phoney and you know that you are. Let's see, the tournament begins on Friday, and today's Monday. So, if you could be up there with your equipment tomorrow, then we'll have almost three days to teach you.

Roger: Who's "we"?

Abigail: Easy and I. We're both pretty good. You don't have anything to worry about. Well, maybe one thing. 

Roger: What?

Spoiler alert: it's his fiancée, Tex, who also doesn't know that he can't fish (but Roger doesn't think that's such an issue). Anyways, they make plans to drive up to the lodge so Roger can learn to fish. And then Abigail gets up from the table without eating anything, prompting Roger to ask "What about lunch?" 

To which Abigail replies: "I never eat lunch." 

Cut to Roger driving up to Lake Wakapogee. He realizes he's going to have to spend six days with Abigail, which he figures is more than enough time for him to be driven crazy and kill her (but we know this is a romantic comedy, so it's not going to end in murder!). 

He talks with one of the guides at the lodge, John Screaming Eagle (just a warning that there's some offensive indigenous accents and stereotypes used by this character. It'll later turn out that he puts on the accent and the knowledge of the land so that he gets better tips from customers). 

And then starts setting up his camping area. All equipment provided by Cadwalader, naturally. He's about as adept at setting this up as he is at fishing, but you know... pride. 

Abigail and Easy are tipped off by John that Roger's forgone the cabin they reserved for him, so now they're at his campsite asking what he's planning on doing. Abigail tells him bluntly, "You don't have time to learn camping. It's enough trouble learning to fish. After the tournament you can learn how to make your bed."

By her estimation, if anyone sees how terrible his campsite looks, they'll know he's a phoney, and pfft to Cadwalader, she says. She'll come up with an excuse as to why Roger's in a cabin once he arrives. 

Major Phipps arrives, ready to win, and Roger once again tries to get out of competing since it'll be unfair for his expertise to be in the same waters as the others, but Phipps is not having it. 

Over dinner, Abigail tells him not to bother trying to find an excuse to get out of the competition. He's stuck with it, and she'll teach him herself, if she has to. There's a sequence here where they're both talking over each other, but Abigail's trying to point out that he's about to eat a caterpillar, but he won't stop talking, so he eats it, then gets cranky when she points it out. 

(As a child of the '90s, one thing I remember every summer was the warning from adults to never eat caterpillars because they're poisonous and other kids would eat them and die, it was all over the news, anyways. Just a random childhood thought that creeps into my mind whenever I watch this scene.)

The next day, Roger goes out exploring on a motorized bike... 

...and Smokey the Bear ends up with it. 

Man, this guy is just not meant for nature. 

I mean, he can't even get in a rowboat without issue...

...but at least he's wearing inflatable coveralls with built-in lifesaver. 

And this is the easiest way to get towed back to shore, apparently. So much for keeping his ineptness secret! Since he can't swim either, there's nothing like the tallest man on the planet, who's wearing highlighter yellow coveralls, being dragged by his feet across the lake to call attention to yourself! 

Cadawalder, who's arrived, calls up Roger to get his opinion on the new inflatable waders (Roger tells him that he can't, in good conscience, recommend them) and then to announce that he's meeting with John Screaming Eagle, who has some relics to show him, including Custer's hat (the joke is that he's falling into a tourist trap, but we won't focus too much on it). 

At their cabin, Abigail's all in a funk about Roger and how terrible he is at the outdoorsman life. She also says she kissed him and that he didn't kiss her back (but it was for reviving purposes, so does it count?), and that they're going out the next morning for another lesson. 

Cue Abigail starting to get dizzy about Roger while he's...casually is too casual of a word...indifferent to her existence.

Ready to watch Roger make some progress?

Too bad! 

He does manage, by fluke, to catch a small fish, but it goes straight into Abigail's waders. 

And in the excitement, he once again, goes underwater. Luckily the drop isn't that deep this go around, so he can rescue himself. 

As an unorthodox teaching method, and maybe a casual punishment, Abigail forces Roger to sit there with the fish in his hand—remember that he hates the feel of fish, too—until he can do it without a grimace. 

Then Easy comes with more news: Mr. Kilroy, the Chicago champ, is coming to the tournament, it was just announced, and now Roger doesn't need to worry about competing against this famous fishing champion, since Kilroy's got it in the bag. 

But he can't just quit willy-nilly, he needs a way to graciously bow out of the competition, so the ladies try to think of a scheme while the rain starts...and it becomes evident that they're not wearing undergarments, and Roger's trying to be respectable, but, once again, they're talking over him, so he just...covers his eyes until they notice he's not paying attention. 

And then they come up with a plan that they'll say Roger broke his arm, and now they have to get back to the cabin to make a plaster cast, so Abigail tells him to toss the fish. The look on Roger's face! "I'm going to kill her. I'm really going to kill her." 

Can you predict how this is going to turn out? Side note: I love Easy's hair here. 

Anyways, they reason that if his arm's going to rest in the above position, then it needs to be plastered in the below position... 

Oh, and Abigail's got the story as to what happened all ready to go: "Well, there was this little, teeny  bird that had fallen out of its nest. And you were taking it back to its mother."

Roger is unamused. "You're going to tell people that?"

John Screaming Eagle comes to the cabin to alert them to Kilroy's arrival, so the ladies depart to greet him, and Roger sits there until the plaster hardens... 

...into this position. 

Roger: "How did it happen there, Willoughby?" "Well, an itty-bitty bird fell on the ground and I was taking it back to its mother." 

He can't stay there like that, so he puts a flannel on over his arm and heads up to the lodge. 

And naturally has to walk by ex-military man Major Phipps, who is overcome with the salute Roger gives as he walks past ("First time I've been saluted in years. That really felt good," he tells his friend, who replies, "Nice boy. Very thoughtful."). 

And then a troop of Boy Scouts camping. 

And just as he's arrived to ream out Abigail and Easy for the cast, they tell him not to worry about its placement, cause it has to come off. See the guy in there?

That's Kilroy, and he broke his arm in a car accident. Roger can't possibly have a broken arm, too! It's too on-the-nose! 

Roger: I can't tell people about the itty-bitty bird that fell out of its nest?

Abigail: That's right. I could have thought of something better.

So it's back to the toolshed to get that thing off him. A chisel and hammer don't work (just ask Abigail's fingers)... 

I mean, just the look on her face here. What a perfect screengrab. She looks maniacal with the circular saw. Note that it takes Roger being squeezed into the vice grip so that he can't escape to get this plan to come together. 

He passes out from the sheer terror of this exchange. My God. Imagine if this is how you had to get cut out of a plaster cast? I'd ensconce myself in bubble wrap! 

Okay, now it's later. Roger's freed, the ladies are in their own cabin, and then Abigail calls him up asking if he has any sleeping pills. The funniest part is how he answers, once he learns it's Abigail, with "Do you have any idea what time it is?" and she puts the phone down to go into the other room to look at the clock, just so she can come back and be like "It's 1:30am. You knew? Well, why ask if you knew?!"

So Roger says yes, he has a sleeping pill, and that's good enough for Abigail. She's like "Cool, I'll be right over!" without giving him a chance to respond. Note how he intends to pass the sleeping pills to her through the door? 

I mean, honestly Roger, you should've known better by now. Of course she wants a glass of water to take it with. 

Abigail: My, that's an ugly-looking pill. I don't think I want it.

Roger: What? Didn't you just ask...

Abigail: I asked all right, but I changed my mind. Don't you ever change your mind? Like sometimes you want somebody to do something. When they do it you find out you don't want 'em to do it.

Roger: Like what for instance?

Abigail: Well, like, uh... 

Roger: Go on.

Abigail: Just a minute, I'm thinking about it.

Roger: Tell me.

Abigail: Like, uh, kissing.

Roger: Kissing? What has kissing got to do with a sleeping pill?

Abigail: Very little. We were talking about asking someone to do something and then changing your mind. Do you see? 

Roger: No.

Abigail: Let me put it this way. Sometimes you meet somebody. You start wondering what it would be like if he kissed you. You can hardly stand it until he does kiss you, and then when he does, you expect

maybe bells are going to ring. You think maybe you'll come all unglued at the seams and fly out in all directions. You know what happens?

Roger: I can't imagine.

Abigail: Nothing. 

Roger: Nothing?

Abigail: You don't want him to kiss you anymore because you've changed your mind. Do you see why I do not want to take the sleeping pill? 

Roger: It's not too clear. Are you gonna take that thing or not?

Abigail: Oh, well, I guess it wouldn't kill me, would it?

Roger: What are you holding your nose for?

Abigail: Oh, because I cannot stand the taste.

Roger: What does holding your nose got to do with tasting it?

Abigail: Oh, say, that's a great idea, Roger. Are you hungry?

Roger: No.

Abigail: I could fix us some sandwiches and coffee. 

Roger: I am not hungry and you should not take coffee with a sleeping pill.

Abigail: Why?

Roger: Because it's a stimulant.

Abigail: Oh. What should I take?

Roger: Uh, milk, hot milk.

Abigail: Have you got some? 

Roger: No.

Abigail: Why did you suggest it?

Roger: I didn't...

Abigail: You said that coffee would be the thing I shouldn't take...

Roger: I don't have any coffee or milk and it's after 2 o'clock in the morning.

Abigail: I know. I know. Here I am keeping you awake and you have to fish tomorrow in the tournament.

Roger: That's right. 

Abigail: I don't know, Roger. Everything I do seems to be wrong. Well, I got the idea of getting you up here. It seemed to be just the way to help easy and her father. I've given you nothing but trouble and you've been so sweet about it.

Roger: I haven't been sweet about it.

Abigail: You've been a stinker some of the time but that's because I was wrong. I deserved it. Anyway, I don't think you'd believe me if I told you I was sorry. But I really am.

Roger: Now, Abigail...

Abigail: You're not angry?

Roger: Well, no. I mean...

Abigail: Oh, Roger, when you're sweet to me like this it just... Oh... 

Roger: What's the matter?

Abigail: Roger? 

Roger: What is it? 

Abigail: You know what we were talking about before?

Roger: Ah, sleeping pills.

Abigail: No, no. You remember what we were talking about, about wanting someone to do something and then wondering what it would be like if he did it?

Roger: You mean kissing? 

Abigail: Yes. Roger, I have to ask you a question.

Roger: What is it?

Abigail: Would you please like to kiss me? Would you?

Roger: Uh, that's the telephone.

It's like, two in the morning, and it's Major Phipps on the phone, who's up at the lodge with Cadwalader and other fishermen, and they want to pick his brain. Doesn't fishing start at the crack of dawn? These guys are going to be exhausted!

Anyways, he rushes to get ready while trying to convince Abigail to leave...

...which is going well, as you'd imagine. 

Roger: Abby, I've got to get over to the lodge.

Abigail: I know. I'm now keeping you. But the phone rang. You didn't get a chance to answer me. I had just asked if you'd like to kiss me.

"Oh, for Pete's sake!" Roger says, smacking her on the lips. "I haven't got time." 

"I ask him if he would like to kiss me, and he says he hasn't got time," Abigail muses to herself. 

After a drink and some shop talk, Roger's like, no more for me, I have to go get some sleep. 

Only guess who passed out in Roger's bed after the sleeping pill kicked in? And guess who else didn't notice it until he was back in his PJs and ready to tuck in? 

And guess who watched this happen from the window? 

That looks mighty uncomfortable...

Anyways, Easy shows up looking for Abigail. She's not at all scandalized that her friend spent the night here, but she's got to get her out before anyone notices. 

John Screaming Eagle is still watching from the woods, and now he's impressed that there are two women in Roger's cabin. 

Oh, and now's the perfect time to find out that Tex, Roger's fiancée, has arrived. Right as Roger and Easy are trying to unzip his sleeping bag. She's suspicious that he didn't get her message that she'd arrived (nobody delivered it) and now that he's in a sleeping bag with a beautiful blonde helping him out. 

And then Cadwalader comes in, badgering Roger about how he overslept and the competition starts in 10 minutes, so get a move on! But like, whyyyy would you be up drinking until early morning right before a big competition? It makes no sense!

Tex asks if she can use the bedroom for a moment, and Roger's trying to dissuade her of this, but then...disheveled Abigail appears. 

Roger: Tex, she came in last night just to borrow a sleeping pill. 

Abigail: Roger, there is no use your explaining. She's never going to believe you. 

Tex: I certainly won't believe you. Goodbye!

Before there was the surprised Pikachu face, there was this. 

Cadwalader tries to explain the concept of 'sowing your wild oats' but Roger insists that nothing happened, but he can't tell it all now, since he has to be out there in five minutes. So Tex'll have to wait until dinner to find out what happened... 

And Roger arrives just in time...for some gentle ribbing from Phipps. 

Anyways, let's spare the overly involved fishing scene and say that he manages to catch a big one... 

...but not without some antics, cause it is Roger, after all. 

Roger gets back to the shore and realizes that John  has been watching the whole time. He asks if he needs to pay him off so he won't repeat the fantastical fish catching he'd just witnessed, but John waves him off. "That one's on the house. Nobody would believe me anyway." 

When he weighs his fish at the end of the day, it's 5lbs8oz, but Phipps's fish is three ounces bigger. And that's the end of the first day. 

And he finds that Tex has cooled off in the hours since, and she sends him on up to the lodge ahead of her, where he gets chatting with Easy. He tells her that Abigail's a walking disaster who causes trouble for him every chance she gets, and Easy's like, okay, but why did you kiss her? 

And they keep talking in circles enough that Easy gets totally frustrated and tries to storm off. But in classic homage to Bringing Up Baby, the zipper on her dress gets caught in the wicker chair and opens, exposing her back. 

...and then Roger tries to help, gets his tie stuck, and makes Easy walk very carefully with him so they can fix it. 

And they walk right up to Tex. "Well, Roger, just how do you explain this?" she asks. "Every time I see you, you're up to your neck in zippers."

She breaks up with him on the spot and tells him not to call her. 

The next day of fishing... 

...goes as anticipated. 

At the end of the day, Phipps is still in the lead, with a 4lbs3oz fish, and he's not trying to gloat, cause Roger still has 20 minutes to show up... 

...which he does, with a fish that pushes him into the lead by two ounces. 

And at dinner, Abigail finally shows up again. She asks how he managed to catch this one, and he tells her "I climbed a tree." 

She then asks about Tex, and he reveals that he's called her a few times, and that she hangs up each time. He's also been drinking, and that leads him to make a sort-of revelation. 

Abigail: I don't blame you if you don't like me.

Roger: Oh, it isn't I don't like you, Abigail. Matter of fact, there are times...

Abigail: What kind of times?

Roger: Times when I find you strangely attractive.

Abigail: Strangely attractive? What do you mean? What's strangely attractive?

Roger: Like a bird watching a snake.

Abigail: Now I'm a snake. That's good. Go right in there.

Roger: I didn't mean it like that. I mean, it's kind of a fascination. I never know what you'll do next.

Abigail: Yeah?

Roger: Like living on the slopes of a live volcano.

Abigail: I like being a live volcano better than being a snake. That's a pretty good line.

Roger: I mean, you're exciting. 

Abigail: Roger, do you mean that there're times when you like me?

Roger: Yes.

Abigail: Well for Pete's sake. Why not just come right out and say it?

Roger: I just did. 

Abigail: You said "strangely attractive." That's something you say to the bearded lady at the circus.

Roger: All right, Abigail. There are times when I like you.

Abigail: Is this one of them?

Roger: I guess it must be, because right now... Right now, I'm wondering what it would be like if I kissed you.

Abigail: You're wondering? 

Roger: Yes.

Abigail: Well, for Pete's sake, don't just stand there. I mean, do something. I mean, don't just stand there. You gonna do it or not? I go out of my mind...

Roger: Shut up. 

Abigail: Mmm-hmm.

And then they kiss.

And it must've been a good one, cause we get this train going off the tracks...

Abigail: That wasn't any good.

Roger: What wasn't any good?

Abigail: That kiss.

Roger: What? The kiss wasn't any good.

Abigail: Well, I'm sorry, Roger, but you shouldn't waste your time if you want to kiss me again...

Roger: Of all the nerve.

The final morning, Roger's fishing again when a bear sneaks up behind him...

...and he reacts the way Leonardo DiCaprio should have in The Revenant (just saying...).

While Abigail scares it away. 

But it doesn't matter, because with this catch, Roger's just won the tournament! 

Cadwalader calls him up that night and tells him to come over to the lodge for a celebratory drink, but then... 

Abigail shows up, in tears, about his deception. He's a phoney, and she can't, in good conscience, stand behind it. 

Roger: Do you know what'll happen?

Abigail: I know it'll mean you lose your job, your customers and everything, but you've got to do that. Once you start fooling people, you have to keep on fooling them. And, and you're too nice a guy to, to, to...be a phony and keep on being a phony.

And so, he confesses to Cadwalader and Phipps and the others.

Roger: That was dumb luck. It was a sheer accident. No relation to fishing as you all know it.

But you caught them.

Roger: Oh, yeah. One of them caught me. The second one committed suicide while my line was hung over a branch.

Phipps: What about the third one? 

Roger: I hooked that one, all right.

Phipps: Then why are you disqualifying?

Roger: Isn't there something in the rules that says a fisherman can't get any outside help?

Cadwalader: Yes, there is. From any living source.

Roger: This one was living, all right. I got help from a bear. Which disqualifies me. Look, fellas, I didn't earn the trophy. Major Phipps did.

Cadwalader: Well, by George. This never happened before. Willoughby, I'm stunned. Completely stunned. You're fired, of course. 

Roger: I expected to be. Congratulations, Major.

After confessing, Roger runs in to Easy and asks where Abigail is. She promised she wouldn't tell, so she says it in German, which he doesn't understand. Luckily, John does, and takes him out to Abgail's camping site. 

There she sits, pining over Roger...

...and he goes out to find her, but she doesn't want to talk to him. 

But Roger can't leave, since he never tied up the boat, and now that it's starting to downpour, he needs to get under the covers with Abigail. 

Major Phipps and the other fishermen can't understand why Cadwalader would have fired Roger, so they get to work getting him his job back. 

Phipps: Cadwalader, you're an ass. An utter ass. 

Cadwalader: I beg your pardon. Why? Why?

Phipps: For firing Willoughby.

Cadwalader: Oh, he can't fish.

Phipps: Can't fish? That's exactly what I want to talk about.

Cadwalader: I don't follow you at all.

Phipps: Because this was a tournament, he disqualified himself. But the fact remains, he caught the winning fish. Doesn't that mean anything to you? 

Cadwalader: I'm afraid it doesn't.

Phipps: Oh, you mutton-head! It means that any darn fool... can catch a record fish if he's using the right equipment. Thousands of people all over the country will read about it. 

Cadwalader: Yes, isn't it horrible.

Phipps: Horrible, nothing! I know these amateur fishermen. Roger Willoughby will be an inspiration. Every man jack will say, "If Willoughby can do it, just give me the right rod, reel and lure, and so can I." A million dollars of free publicity, and you fired him. You ought to be ashamed.

Cadwalader: Oh, my goodness! I never thought of that! You want me to set him up.

Phipps: You better hire him back before he gets away. And fix that roof of yours.

Cadwalader: I must hurry. I've got to find him. Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you very much.

Meanwhile, the rain has washed out the grounds, and Roger and Abigail's tent has floated out into the lake.

Mr. Cadwalader and John row out to where Abigail and Roger's tent is, where he screams that he wants to give Roger his job back, with a raise. 

Cadwalader: Do you want us to send you any help?

Roger: Never mind, Mr. Cadwalader!

Cadwalader: Do you think he's in trouble?

John: Yes, but it's too late to help him.

Now that everything's wrapped up with a tidy bow, Abigail and Roger are free to be in wacky, zany love.

Abigail: Oh, Roger, I was Iying when I said the kiss wasn't any good.

Roger: You were...

Abigail: Sure! Honest, I was! I was just pretending. Do you think that you could find me... strangely attractive again?

Roger: Hmm? Well, I don't know.

Abigail: Maybe if you kissed me, just a little.

Roger: Hmm?

Abigail: If you didn't like it, you could stop. Maybe you would like it, but then again if you didn't... Sometimes when people...

Roger: Will you shut up?

Then, for some inexplicable reason, it cuts back to the film reel that we see every time Roger and Abigail kiss. 

Marcia: Oh John, you shouldn't have done that.

John: Why, Marcia?

Marcia: Because this picture's over.

THE END!