Jupiter's Darling is a Bad Movie...But You Should Still Watch It

Sixty-eight years ago today, we were gifted this glorious bomb of a movie, Jupiter's Darling: the only Esther Williams aquamusical that ever lost money for MGM. It's so bad, it's good. 

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Jupiter's Darling always makes the list of my favourite Esther Williams movies. Like, if I could only save five of her movies from being totally and completely destroyed, this is one of them. (The others: Bathing Beauty, Thrill of a Romance, Duchess of Idaho and Neptune's Daughter. Argue with me in the comments.)

In Jupiter's Darling, Esther plays Amytis, a Greek woman betrothed to Dictator Fabius Maximus of Rome. She's been putting off their marriage for seven years and yearns for something else. That something else comes in the form of Hannibal, who's on his way to Rome to sack the city. She rides out to spy on his camp and gets more than she bargained for, alongside her lady-in-waiting Meta (played by Marge Champion). 

It's camp, but it's fun, and I always pause to watch it whenever I see it on TCM. So in the spirit of this fun-but-bad movie, here are 10 Reasons Why You'll Love Jupiter' s Darling:

1. The Amazing Costumes

I love everything Esther Williams wears in this movie, but it should be a given that the costumes were going to be amazing, they were designed by Walter Plunkett and Helen Rose.

2. Marge and Gower Champion's Winning Dance Scenes

I had no idea this duo existed for a long time, and now that I know who they are, I always enjoy when they pop up (always credited as a team) in '50s musicals. Marge was the dance and movement double for Snow White and other Disney animations, and Gower was a talented dancer and director who went on to mount a few successful Broadway shows. 

(Ignore the fact that their first song together is called 'If This Be Slav'ry'. The second song they dance to is called 'The Life of an Elephant'.)

3. Amytis and Hannibal Swim the Tiber River

I think I might love Esther with Howard Keel more than I love her with Van Johnson? Anyways, Amytis is taking Hannibal to view the Roman fortifications, but she tells him the bridges have been destroyed so they have to swim across the Tiber. 

Only problem is Hannibal can't swim, so once he gets into deep water, he sinks under the weight of his chain-mail. One of my favourite parts of this movie is Amytis looking around to see where Hannibal's gone to, and in that modern Esther Williams accent, going, "Gen-rul? Gen-rul?!" until his head pops above water.

4. This Title Credit

You know you're in for some loosey-goosey truth-telling when you see a credit like this in the first minute or so.

5. Betrayal by Costume Jewellery

Hannibal only figures out who Amytis is from Fabius's necklace. It's inspired by her (she's in disguise right behind him, which he never figures out), and once Hannibal realizes how close she is to the Roman dictator, he has her and Meta locked up. Don't worry, they later escape!

6. This Intense and Dangerous Swimming Escape

Don't bother holding your breath to see if it's actually plausible to swim through a shipwreck and under a mountain, you'll dry drown. But this is a very intense scene (beginning with Esther's stunt double riding a horse off a cliff because she refused to film it herself. Don't worry, the horse was fine, but the stunt double broke his back.) that always makes me claustrophobic.

7. All the Flashy Co-Stars

Who chewed more scenery, do you think? The leopard or George Sanders? I think they're pretty even. Sanders plays Dictator Fabius Maximus; Norma Varden (always a treat to see her pop up in movies) plays the overbearing/domineering/future mother-in-law from Hell, Fabia. 

8. The chemistry between Esther Williams and Howard Keel is Off the Charts

They spend nearly every scene wanting to rip each others' clothes off and it's very obvious that they're going to end up together, even if he's always going on about never trusting a woman and she's reckless with her life. 

By this point, Esther and Howard had already starred in two films together: On an Island With You and Texas Carnival (the latter is another favourite of mine). 

9. Amytis and Hannibal Keep Each Other on Their Toes

After the Romans find Hannibal and Amytis, he's furious. They manage to escape back to the camp and he thunders, "How did they find me?" and thinks it's because she's a spy who led the Romans to them, but she thunders back that he was singing ('Don't Let This Night Get Away') so loud that of course the Romans heard them!

And then at the end, when Hannibal arrives at the gates of Rome, ready to sack the city, he says that he'll go if Amytis is given to him as tribute. Fabius, who moments earlier had broken his engagement to her when she said she wanted to live out her life as a Vestal Virgin, is reluctant to let her go, but Amytis insists. 

She plays it up like she's going with this big dope for the good of Rome, because what is the fate of one woman compared to an entire city. She sells it so well that when she's dangling by the harness at the gate, Hannibal pretends to change his mind, since apparently going with him is a fate worse than death (something Amytis has spent the whole movie saying would be her life if she had to live with Fabia). Ultimately, he says that Amytis can join him, and she mutters under her breath that she'll kill him once they're away. He says that he's counting on it.

10. The Statue Swimming Dance Scene

Esther could only do minimal swimming in Jupiter's Darling due to a ruptured ear drum (she has a swim double in the climactic swimming sequence), but the few times she is in the water, it's of course a sight to behold. 

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As I said at the top, this was the only Esther Williams flick that lost money at MGM, and it ended up being the last she ever made for the studio. She walked out after this and went independent. 

The story behind her involvement with Jupiter's Darling is pretty fun, though. She helped create the story for Athena (today remembered as a Jane Powell/Debbie Reynolds musical) and then went on maternity leave, comfortable with the knowledge that when she got back, she'd start working on it. But when she got back, she found out that they'd already started filming it with Jane Powell. She went to Dory Schary, who told her that he had a studio to run, and being a contract player, she couldn't argue. 

Instead, she licked her wounds and began working on Jupiter's Darling and she smelled the lemon almost immediately. 

Do you like Jupiter's Darling? Sound off in the comments!