"If You Had It All to Do Over Again, Would You Still Have Married Me?"

January 31, 2021

"If You Had It All to Do Over Again, Would You Still Have Married Me?" - Mr. and Mrs. Smith

This lovely little screwball comedy was released on this day in 1941, 80 years ago exactly!

Notable anyways for being the only screwball comedy that Alfred Hitchcock ever made, Mr. and Mrs. Smith stars the always-wonderful Carole Lombard and Robert Montgomery as a married couple whose love is loud and voracious, and unravels with the wrong answer to the question 'if you had to do it all over again, would you still have married me?'

Let's dive in.

This movie is set in New York City, around 1940.

Right off the bat, the Smiths have had a long night. This is our introduction to this happily married couple.

Meet David Smith, doing everything he can to not wake his wife.

Meet Ann Smith, sleeping it off until there's a knock at the door.

It's the maid with breakfast, and she's trying to catch a glimpse of the destruction. This couple, as you'll come to find out, is somewhat legendary with the staff.

David takes the breakfast tray from the maid and shuts the door in her face.

"She's in the bed, he's playing cards," she tells another housekeeper once she's back in the kitchen. The Smiths are a solid gold source of gossip for the staff at their building.

David's partner at his law firm, Jeff Custer, calls over to their apartment to find out where he is. Turns out the Smiths have been in their room for three days this time, but their record is eight days before resurfacing.

Custer can't wait any longer for a legal document to be signed, so he's sent over Sammy to ensure that it's taken care of.

First, David signs it in pen. Sammy says it's not legally binding like that, so David tells him to trace over it in ink. Sammy doesn't want to do that, since he's taking the bar exam the following week, so David, begrudgingly, signs it in pen without ever fully opening the door.

David slams the door behind Sammy, with the use of a cane, to hide himself behind the couch. It wakes up his wife.

Ann is played by the always wonderful Carole Lombard, gone too soon.

They cuddle in bed, with David assuring her that he wouldn't leave without making up from their fight (it's a rule, that they can't leave the room until they make up, hence the eight-day stalemates).

Later, before breakfast, Ann shaves David and they talk about how they're always honest with each other, which makes them different from other couples.

Look at how in love they are!

Before he leaves for the office, Ann wants to talk.

Ann: If you had it all to do over again, would you have married me?

David: Honestly? No. Not that I want to be married to anyone else. But when a man marries, he gives up some freedom and independence. If I had to do it all over again, I think I would stay single.

It's not what she wants to hear, obviously, it's not what anyone wants to hear, and he keeps promising that he does want to stay married to her; she keeps telling him that she'll step aside if he truly doesn't want to be married anymore. They make up...

...and Ann walks David to the door, where they kiss goodbye and David promises to come home early.

At the office, he chats with Custer about his lateness.

David: You know how she is. You have to humor her in these things.

Custer: Don't apologize to me. I envy you from the bottom of my heart. I wish I was in your shoes.

David: Yeah, she's a great kid. Certainly piles up, doesn't it?

David's secretary buzzes in to say that there's a gentleman named Deever there to see him on a personal matter, and he won't hint at what it is. David asks him to come in, and he sets off a bomb.

Deever: Were you married in Beecham in March 1937?

David: Yes, I was.

Deever: You know, Beecham is on the other side of the river and it was always incorporated in Brender County, but, you see, Brender County is in Idaho. And so... You follow me, don't you?

David: Yes.

Deever: We in Beecham found out we had no right to be incorporated in Brender County because from the other side of the Bass River we belong in Nevada. Yes, well. We just found out that anybody who got married between 1936 and now with an Idaho license in Nevada... well, it isn't legal.

Say what? David and Ann aren't legally married, and Deever's been making the rounds to anyone who got married in Beecham to let them know, in case of wills or debts or what have you.

Deever: Is that your wife? Was she Annie Krausheimer?

David: Yes. She lived right across from Beecham. That's how we happened to get married there. Did you know her?

Deever: Did I know her? She and my kid sister used to go running in and out of the house all the time. I remember like it was yesterday. I can't get over that.

David: I guess she's changed some?

Deever: She's changed a little. She once chased a dog-catcher half a mile with a baseball bat.

David: She hasn't changed as much as you would think.

Deever: Sure is a fine-looking woman.

After Deever leaves, David pencils in his dinner date with his wife using her maiden name, Krausheimer.

And then Ann calls, oblivious to the news. He tells her that they're going to Momma Lucy's for dinner that evening, and Ann's surprised that he still remembers the name of the place since they haven't been there for years.

Meanwhile, Deever's being driven through New York City and crosses David off his list...

And then he realizes that he's on Ann's street and decides to pop in for a visit with an old friend.

Ann's having lunch with her mother when Deever pops in and says that he'd "only saw your picture on your husband's desk and recognized you right off."

Ann wants to know why Deever was with David, and he tells her the same thing he'd told him: that because of a clerical error, the Smiths aren't really married. Ann's mother is scandalized, but Ann reassures her that of course David is going to do right by her and remarry her.

And to celebrate what she's sure will be a special evening where David proposes to her all over again, Ann insists on wearing the bolero suit she was married in.

After three years, it doesn't fit her anymore.

But they soldier on and go to Momma Lucy's for dinner.

And get the surprise of a lifetime (the second one that day!) when they find out that Momma Lucy went back to the old country and the restaurant is under new ownership.

As they talk about the declining quality of the restaurant, Ann begins to ask David leading questions.

Ann: Where shall we go after this?

David: Home.

Ann: Aren't we supposed to go someplace before we go home?

David: Altogether, it would make it too late.

"I'd give $5 to see that cat take a sip of that soup," David says.

Ann continues to press David without outright saying what she knows. She wants to know what a day in the office is like and who he sees, but he doesn't let on anything about Deever.

"Momma Lucy": Nice cat, eh?

David: Yeah.

"Momma Lucy": I'm unlucky with cats here. The third cat this week. They get run over.

"Momma Lucy" tells Ann that her mother's on the phone in the kitchen.

"He's teasing me. He thinks he's being romantic about it," Ann says. "Mother, are you crying?"

Mrs. Krausheimer: My poor baby. Thank heaven your father is dead. Listen to me. Under no conditions, do you hear me,

are you to...

Ann: Why, Mother, of course not! Yes, Mother. Worse comes to worst, I'll spend the night with you.

Back at the table, David asks Ann if she'd like to know a secret. For a second, her hopes are raised, but he only wants to tell her that she's a good kid. And now she's silently stewing that he didn't propose to her all over again as they decide to go home.

Ann has this vacant, angry look on her face all throughout their bedtime routine, but David's oblivious.

Until just before they're about to go to bed and Ann lets him have it.

Ann: You beast, you know we're not married. You weren't going to tell me.

David: I was going to tell you later.

Ann: How much later?

David: There's no need in going on like this.

Ann: You were going to wait until... and then throw me aside like a squeezed lemon.

David: Don't dramatize this.

Ann: I've given you the best years of my life, and you were willing to go on and on. Mother and I were always suspicious. Your forehead slants back too much.

And then she grabs an armful of his clothes and throws him out.

Leaving David to go to The Beefeater's Club for the night.

"Quite a novelty seeing you, sir," the front desk clerk tell him when he books a room. "Don't remember you spending a night here in three years."

And then in the sauna, David runs into Jack Carson, who was in literally every movie made in the '40s. I'm sure that's verifiable somewhere; he's in everything.

"Chuck Benson. Don't you remember me?" he asks David. "We played in a foursome in last year's golf tournament."

Chuck gives him the advice to ignore his fight and that by morning, Ann will have forgotten all about it and will want to reconcile. David, for whatever reason, takes his advice.

So the next day David goes back to their apartment to talk and finds that Ann's changed the name plate back to her maiden name.

And when the door does open, the maid, who was once Ann's midwife at her birth, won't let him in because she's appalled at the way he treated her. David tries to break through the chain but ends up dropping his pen inside the apartment and losing it.

So David retreats down to the lobby to wait until Ann gets home.

And catches her coming home from a date with her new boss, Mr. Flugle.

David blocks Mr. Flugle before heading upstairs himself.

David goes up to talk to Ann, but she's still not in the mood to listen.

David: Open that door. I know you're in there. This is ridiculous. I saw you with that old goat. Open that door. I'm not going to stand for this.

Ann: There's your pen.

So it's back to The Beefeater's Club. "When they come back a second night, things are bad," Thomas says, collecting a key for David.

The next morning, David hops into the car with Ann and tells her he's had enough of this shenanigan.

David: Are you going to stop this silly farce? I've got a lot of work piled up for me at the office. I've been through a 3-day session of this nonsense and I haven't any more time for these games of yours. Come home now, and I'm willing not to discuss it anymore.

Ann: Very generous. Who do you think you're talking to?

David: My wife.

Ann: We're not married.

David: Are you out of your mind? Certainly we're married. What do you mean, after three years, we're not married?

Ann: Legally, we're not married.

David: All right, we'll get married. Does that satisfy you?

Ann: "We'll get married." That's a nice, snarly proposal. It was hard enough getting me to marry you before, and I didn't know you. But I do now. And how I know you. And if anyone asks, you're no bargain.

David: What's the matter with me? I don't want this discussion to run into hours. I'm very busy. Name one thing about me you don't like.

Ann: One thing? My, aren't we vain.

David: One thing I am not is vain.

Ann: What about that tar stuff you rub in your hair that smells up my whole bedroom?

David: I am only trying to save my hair for you. And you're a fine one to talk going to bed with those aluminum clips in your hair. You turned over one night and cut me in 20 places.

Ann: You needn't worry. You won't be cut anymore.

David: I'm not gonna stand any more of this, and that's my final word.

Ann: Nice to have met you.

David: I won't support you. What do you think of that?

Ann: Fine.

David: No. I mean it. You're not gonna get any more money.

She tells him that's fine by her, because unbeknownst to him, she has a job.

David follows her into the store and causes enough of a scene trying to drag her out of it that her manager comes over to find out what's going on. David tells him that he's taking his wife home while Ann protests that they're not married.

"We understood you were a single woman," her manager says. "As an aid to the unemployment crisis, we do not employ married women." Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Anyways, the manager insists on escalating this up to higher management, meaning Mr. Flugle.

After all that, the store detectives are called in to investigate Ann's marital status. The two chat, and David tries to reason with her again. He says that he wouldn't have got married all over again if given the chance, but now that he has the real opportunity to marry Ann all over again, he wants to take it.

David: Doesn't that convince you I want to stay married to you?

Ann: I believe you, and I'm very flattered, but I don't want to marry you. I'm not interested.

David: What's the matter with me?
Ann: I don't like your temper. You're jealous. You're always knocking people down.

Back at the firm, David and Custer are talking and Custer reveals that he's interfered a little in a manner of helping David and Ann. He's arranged for dinner that evening with her and wants David to drop in 'unannounced' around 9:00 pm.

So David does exactly that...

...and Ann introduces him to her lawyer, Jefferson Custer, who'll be representing her in their weird divorce-style case (according to Ann, anyway. Custer says that it's obvious she doesn't need a lawyer since there's no law broken, but she was adamant).

The look on Ann's face here cracks me up. Carole Lombard was such a skilled comedienne.

And now we're witnessing the end of a friendship, two men who've been thick as thieves since their college days.

David: You are supposed to be my best friend, and you're telling her this?

Custer: I have never taken advantage of our friendship by word or deed and it's only because you're standing here that I can now ask Ann. Would you have dinner with me tomorrow night?

David: I'm asking you to come to your senses and marry me tomorrow. If you have dinner with him, this is final. We're through.

Ann: What time?

David: We're through.

And if that wasn't awkward enough, now David and Custer have to take the elevator together. You could cut the tension with a knife!

But David sneaks back upstairs and Ann slams the door in his face, causing his nose to bleed.

And we're back at The Beefeaters Club, where Chuck is nursing David through his swollen nose and urging him to get over Ann.

He calls up his gal, Gloria, and tells her that they're going to dinner the next evening. Then he tells David that he's got a girl for him, too: Gertrude.

David puts the phone up to his ear to talk to Gertrude, but she makes kissing noises into the phone and David's not sure how to flirt anymore.

The next evening at The Florida Club. I have to say, Jack Carson cleans up nicely. He's already there, waiting for David, with Gloria and Gertrude, when he shows up. Gertrude already wants to leave and go somewhere with a little more atmosphere. Chuck wants to get drunk on Old Fashioneds, which, good luck to them (one's enough for me!).

Oh look, guess who's also at The Florida Club!

The moment Ann spots David.

And David spots Ann and Custer.

They try to ignore each other but they're drawn to each other (out of love or jealousy, your choice).

Eventually, to get out of the evening, David punches himself in the nose to cause a nosebleed and tries to make a quiet escape.

Not so when Chuck Benson's involved! He causes a spectacle that draws a crowd...

...including Ann and Custer, who take off when Gertrude and Chuck get a knife to treat David's nose (somehow? I don't know want to know...).

Custer asks Ann if she's okay. "Upset? Why? Because I saw David with Florence Nightingale? I don't care who holds a knife to him, although I'd certainly like the chance myself."

Not wanting the evening to end, Ann suggests that they go to the fair (which is the 1939 New York World's Fair, in case you're wondering).

They decide to ride the parachute ride, which...

...would be a big ole nope from me, especially considering...

...they get stuck up there and it starts to downpour on them.

Thoroughly soaked, once they get down, they head over to Custer's apartment.

Where Ann warms up by the fire while Custer slips into warm clothes.

Which turns out to be another dinner coat, because it's all he has to wear in polite company.

To stave off any illness, Ann pours him two glasses of liquor. He tells her that he doesn't drink, in fact, the only reason he even has a bar is because of David, but after some cajoling, he downs the liquour...

And since he doesn't drink...

...he gets hammered.

"Do you know the basic difference between you and David?" Ann asks him. "You give him one too many, and he tilts forward at you. And you, Jeff, you lean backwards."

She's impressed with his conduct, and that he hasn't made any untoward moves on her, like David did when they first started dating, and takes her leave (even though Custer insists on taking her home).

The next morning, David's trailing Ann with the help of a cab driver.

And finds her in Custer's office with his family. It turns out they're going to Lake Placid, to the same lodge that Ann and David planned to go to the first two weeks of December.

The Custers have no idea about Ann and David's past, and David, naturally, tries to sabotage the new relationship.

Mr. Custer: Mother and I have just met Miss Ann and we find out now they're both mighty sweet on each other. David probably knows it better than we do, don't you?

David: Yes, if it hadn't been for me, they'd never have gotten together.

Every time the Custers suggest something Ann can join them in, David chimes in. About sailing: "She's not a very good sailor. I can give you some good practical advice on that, too. Whenever she gets on a boat, don't let her have anything to eat."

David: Put her to bed, put a hot-water bottle on her stomach and hold it there, no matter how she hollers. It settles her stomach.

Ann: He considers himself quite a medical authority.

David: I suppose you're wondering about us. It's quite simple. I've known Ann for a long time and wanted to marry her. Still do, as a matter of fact, but, well, fortunes of war. Let me tell you something. I know of no finer compliment I could pay to any girl than to say this: When a man's been sitting across the breakfast table from the same woman for three solid years and still wants to marry her, she's quite a girl."

Everything David's said is enough to raise the Custers's suspicions, and they take their son into another room to ask about the peculiar relationship between Ann and David, and if she's really a respectable girl. Jeff says that he's going to bring Ann up to Lake Placid the following week to spend time with the family, and to wait until then to pass any judgements on her.

Cut to Lake Placid. It looks placid (bah dum tiss).

When they get to the lodge, they find out that the roads are snowed out and that they won't be able to meet the Custers until much later because of it. Oh, and they're staying at a cabin instead of the lodge (more privacy that way), only accessible by sled, which will bring them back and forth as they want.

"I love the smell of snow," Ann says, trying to sell her enthusiasm. "Nobody can smell the snow," Custer says.

When they get to their cabin, they're informed that the sleigh service and telephones cut out at 10:00 pm, to make it a real retreat. Fine by them, they promise.

"Someone else has the other suite," Ann notes.

And then she sees that it's David. Again, Carole's talent as a screwball comedienne was unparalleled. I love this unimpressed look on Ann's face

David doesn't even get to greet his neighbours before falling unconscious in the snow.

Leaving Ann and Custer to carry him into the cabin.

They swing him onto his bed, and Ann's immediately worried.

She's worried that he's going to freeze to death in his clothes, and suggests brandy, but Custer advises against it. Instead, she starts to take off his boots while David mutters drowsily about how they were supposed to come here on a vacation in December, as a married couple. He's hallucinating that they're skiing and that Ann's about to ski into a tree when Custer advises she leave so he can strip him down.

"He's sleeping like a baby, there's nothing we can do for him now," Custer advises.

See? Sleeping like a baby!

Ann and Custer sneak in to check on him.

"The first two weeks in December," he mutters drowsily.

Then he opens his eyes, and, staring straight into Custer's eyes, says, "Hi Ann."

Custer advises that they let him rest, but then David starts doing this rattling noise in the back of his throat, worrying Ann that it's a death rattle.

She decides that she wants to shave David, which Custer expresses awe at, since it's usually only barbers who can shave another person.

She spreads the shaving cream on his face while Custer watches. "I want it to shine," he mutters.

Then, to mess with Custer, David holds up his hand. Ann says he must be hallucinating that he's getting a manicure, and that he should go along with it.

Later, back at their own cabin, Custer tells Ann that she and David have a bond between them after three years together.

Ann tells him that she wants to try and be free of him, and Custer promises that he only wants her happiness. He says that he wants her to rescind her promise that she marry him and truly decide for herself what she wants.

She decides that she wants to check on David and goes outside to peek through his window, where she catches him like this:

And now she's furious.

She tiptoes back into the cabin, loud enough to give David time to pretend to be sleeping again...

...and then she picks up the water pitcher...

...and throws it at the wall above his bed.

Ann: You've been found out, you beast. I should've known your being here was too convenient.

David: Look here

Ann: Big sympathy act, pretending you're on a bat.

David: But I love you.

Ann: Pick up and get out of here. I never want to see you again. You're just making a nuisance of yourself. Get your hands off me.

David: You can't be with that pile of Southern fried chicken.

Ann: That's what you think.

David: You couldn't let him lay a hand on you. Not after what we've been to each other.

Ann: He's going to lay a hand on me, and we're going to get married.

David: Okay. If that's the way you feel about it, I won't stand in your way. I've been thrown out of my own home, threatened by cops, chased around in taxi cabs, and neglected my job, because I loved you and wanted you back again. Now I'm finished. It's all washed up. Go ahead and marry the guy. I hope you'll be very happy.

And then he watches her walk away.

Ann goes back to her own cabin and proposes to Custer. He happily accepts, and they head to dinner.

Later, they're returning to the cabin from dinner and Custer says David will probably have left by now.

And Ann wants to ensure that David properly moves on (or at least, she tries to convince herself of it).

Ann: If I could only make him, I mean, if I could only disillusion him, make him hate me, do something. If he'd only hate me, that would be the solution. Listen, it would work, too. Those walls are paper-thin, and he could hear everything.

Custer: Why, what are you suggesting?

She's suggesting something that would've flown in the pre-code era, pal! Anyways, she's waiting for Custer...

...but David comes in instead.

And then they manage to get into another one of their fights, with David pulling at her and her screaming at him.

Hearing the noise, Jeff bursts in.

And he looks like he's going to give David a bruising.

Ann even tries to egg him on, producing a lamp that he can smash over David's head.

Custer: Ann, you're so attractive that I take it for granted that other men, less disciplined, will always take liberties with you. Violence shows a lack of character.

Ann: You won't do anything to him?

Custer: Would you respect me more if I knocked him down?

Ann: Would I? You big blubber, what kind of a man are you? How could you love a woman and let someone paw her?

Custer: Now, let's not say anything in anger we'll be sorry for.

Ann: Haven't you any self-respect?

This is all perfect timing for the Custers to show up.

And they remind Ann, David, and Jeff that their voices are raised and can be heard out on the placid Lake Placid.

But now that Ann's in full histrionics, Custer's finally seeing her real self, and he doesn't like what he sees. Further, the Custers forbid their son from marrying her, causing Ann to storm out.

"Let me out of here before I forget I'm a lady."

"You have just seen her in one of her quieter moments," David tells the Custer Family.

David later walks into Ann's cabin to find her trying to put on her skis. She can't call, the phones are down, so she's going to ski up to the lodge to spend time there.