"What Do You Call This Style... Early Disneyland?" - Bachelor in Paradise
Let's dip into some mid-century farce! It's Bachelor in Paradise time!
gif by me
I've written about Lana Turner's house in Paradise for a separate blog post, so if you want to fawn all over how perfectly mid-century the place is, click here. When/if I win the lottery, I'm building an exact replica of that house.
Okay, let's dive in!
We start with another jazzy Henry Mancini number, aptly titled 'Bachelor in Paradise.' You can listen to it here.
Bachelor in Paradise is a charming comedy. I saw it for the first time last summer, rewatched it again on Lana Turner's Summer Under the Stars day, then quickly bought in on DVD. It's now an absolute favourite of mine.
These days, as you may have noticed, many a motion picture opens, with a scene which rightly belongs somewhere in the middle of the story. But this time we have a novel. This picture opens where the story begins. Somewhere in the south of France.
Meet AJ Niles, lothario and writer of several 'bachelor' books to help men find love in any culture. He's currently in France working on his newest tome, and he's clearly deep in the throes of research.
AJ: The mature French woman has elevated the physical act of kissing to an artistic level unattained by any other society. Kissing an experienced French woman provides the average male with a sensation that compares favorably with...
But he's interrupted when his publisher calls him.
Austin: I've had you paged all over France. I've been calling all night, and all I can get from the operator is that you're out or your line's engaged, whatever that is.
AJ: It's noon here, and I haven't had breakfast yet.
Austin: Dear lad, how are you?
AJ: Hard at work. I'm up to chapter seven on how the French live.
Austin: How's it coming?
AJ: Fine. I'm two weeks ahead in research, four months behind in writing.
Austin: I'm afraid you'll have to fly back, Adam.
AJ: What? Why?
Austin: Because of the demands of the United States government—a very large domestic organization.
AJ: I used to get my mail from them. Is anything wrong?
Austin: Wrong? You're in serious difficulties, Adam, to be euphemistic about it. I'll see you in Washington tomorrow afternoon.
AJ: In the middle of a book?
Austin: You're in the middle of a tornado, Adam. Now, climb on that next jet out of Paris, and don't speak to a soul--no publicity.
You know it's always a good sign when the IRS shows up minutes into a movie!
Anyways, it turns out that AJ owes $628,470 because his business manager—who has absconded with AJ's money—has never filed an income tax return on his behalf in the years he's been successfully writing books.
He's without any money, not even a penny to his name. The IRS has taken everything and have tapped into his royalties. They're sympathetic, they tell him, but he's responsible for his own business manager, so they're sympathetic to a point. And they need to recoup that money.
He's released to Austin's bond and he's not allowed to leave the country. Oh, and he has to pay that outstanding $628,470. Austin comes up with a plan: AJ will write the bachelor book about the American woman.
Austin: A Niles'-eye view of America might be sensational. If it's like your others, half of all Americans will buy it just to see what they've missed. The other half will buy it to see what you've missed. You've got to, Adam!
AJ: But how? How am I going to live?
Austin: I'll subsidize you—your rent and... $75 a week.
AJ: $75? Don't go over budget just to save a life.
Austin: $85—no more. Eat oatmeal instead of caviar.
AJ: It tastes terrible with champagne. I'll need a secretary. One ugly secretary.
Austin: One that can type, huh? One more thing—this is America. Our attitude towards our women is different.
AJ: Sex hasn't gone out, has it?
Austin: No.
AJ: I'd heard it'd been replaced by television.
Austin: While you're here, no experiments with women.
AJ: How can I research?
Austin: Strictly by observation, dear boy. If you get involved, no more allowance.
Now there's one more question: where to go to observe the typical American woman? Austin has an idea:
Nowadays, he says, the average American lives in a planned community, so he'll live in a housing development for his research.
Enter Paradise. It's a newer community in the San Fernando Valley that Austin thinks is going to become something big, so he's already taken the liberty of arranging for AJ to stay there.
And enter Lana Turner, who plays Rosemary Howard, who's the Paradise Living General Manager.
Naturally, AJ's totally ensnared by her. It's Lana Turner, after all.
She tells him that they don't normally rent houses in Paradise, but they're willing to make an exception for him, especially as she's hoping he'll convert to buying the house once he's moved in.
He then meets Paradise's developer and the tract owner, Tom Jynson. He's a big believer in the mission of Paradise.
Tom: As we say, a family can live a full and happy life in paradise and never leave the village.
AJ: They're allowed to, aren't they?
Tom: Oh, of course. You and your family—
AJ: I don't have a family.
Tom: No family?
Rosemary: Mr. Adams is a bachelor?
AJ: Well, don't worry. It's not catching.
Tom: I know, but a bachelor in paradise— you'll be the only one.
AJ: That sounds like fun.
AJ: That sounds like fun.
Rosemary offers to drive him over to his new place, and he jumps at the chance.
Rosemary's secretary is reading one of AJ's books.
Rosemary catches her, and, unbeknownst to those in Paradise, she's trashing AJ Niles right to his face (he's going by a different name, Jack Adams, while he researches).
Before they can leave, Tom wants a private word with Rosemary. He's not a fan of this AJ plan.
Tom: He's a bachelor, and it's a family community.
Rosemary: I'm a bachelor, too.
Tom: You're a woman. That's different.
Rosemary: Why? I understand it takes a member of each sex.
Tom: You're a special case. You're steering away from men—and I wish you'd get over that, Rosemary.
Rosemary: We were discussing Mr. Adams. When it comes to personal matters, I suggest you concern yourself more with your own domestic problems.
Tom: I didn't appreciate that remark.
Rosemary: Sorry, but if you weren't suspicious of every Tom, Dick, and Harry, you and Dolores—
Tom: Never mind Dolores. Whose house did you get for Adams, huh?
Rosemary: Mine.
Tom: You rented him your house?
Tom tells her that she should focus on finding herself a relationship, that if she only opened herself up more, she'd find love. Rosemary tells him to mind his beeswax. And she's going to stay with the elderly Mrs. Curtis while AJ's renting, since the old lady needs the help around the house.
Now for a quick drive through Paradise!
During their drive, Rosemary points out Paradise Hills, another development Tom's working on that's been paused due to a temporary personal matter. More on that later. AJ says he'll need a secretary, but Rosemary says that may be a difficult search, since all the women in Paradise are wives and mothers and God forbid they do something outside the home.
Anyways, once they get to the house, AJ takes a look at her place and insults it. There's no need for a key because nobody has any reason to lock their doors. He asks if this 'style' is called Early Disneyland (which is an apt name for it, if you think about it). You can see the house tour in my 'Inside Paradise' blog post.
AJ: It would be pink.
Rosemary: That's not pink. That's California coral.
AJ: Who thinks up all the names for colors in this country, Tennessee Williams?
Meet the neighbour kids!
Peter: Hi. Who are you?
AJ: Mr. Adams. I'm moving in.
Peter: I'm Peter. I live there.
AJ: Where?
Peter: I won't tell. I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
Mrs. Macintyre: Is he a stranger?
Peter: Sure. Here's my sister-- Mrs. Macintyre.
AJ: Mrs. Macintyre? Well, ma'am, how do you do?
Mrs. Macintyre: How do I do what?
AJ: It's just not my day for women.
Peter: He sure is a stranger. Come on.
Same, AJ.
He goes back into the house and finds a strange woman in the kitchen using the garbage disposal. It's Linda Delvane, the neighbour, played by Paula Prentiss (love her!). AJ asks if she comes with the house.
Linda: I was grinding my garbage.
AJ: What's wrong with your grinder?
Linda: We don't have one. See, you get your choice of garbage disposer or dishwasher. The disposer was a little extra, and Larry didn't want the obligation.
AJ: Larry?
Linda: My husband.
AJ: You're married?
Linda: Better be, I've got two children.
And her husband has a job that she can't even name, because housewives! Why bother learn what the hubby does as long as he brings in a salary, amirite? She met her husband, who we'll meet later, at university. She was studying the Romance languages and had plans to teach, but then they got married the same day they graduated and now she's a "housefrau" with two boys, Stevie and Dougie.
AJ asks her if she likes it in Paradise, and she replies that there's plenty for the boys, but "little cultural stimulation, and the good Lord didn't intend for me to use my phi beta kappa key to open grated cheese cans."
This isn't the last we'll hear of her boredom in suburbia, hang tight.
Larry's home!
Larry's played by Jim Hutton, who was frequently paired with Paula Prentiss in movies because they were the two tallest actors at the studio.
Linda's wearing a nice dress, which makes Larry wonder if there's an important date he's forgetting, but she tells him about their new neighbour and how he said that men like to see their women dressed up nice from time to time. She speaks so favourably of him that he starts to get jealous.
Larry: So Mr. Adams equals mystery and romance. Mr. Delavane equals diapers and dishes.
Linda: Larry!
Larry: Some stranger fills my wife with talk about romantic places, changing clothes, and speaking French. I never did trust that language.
Linda: Larry, don't be so sensitive. Are you jealous?
Larry: Me? Jealous? But there are jealous husbands around here, and if Mr. Adams starts transporting their wives, we'll have more trouble in paradise than Eve started with that apple!
Speaking of AJ, he's not having much luck in the kitchen. So he picks up the phone and calls for a cab to pick him up at 22931 Katherina Street.
He heads over to the drive-in for some supper...
...and Rosemary, who's also there, but eating inside, spies on him.
And that's AJ's first night in Paradise!
The next morning he's already hard at work on his book.
"How the Americans live, chapter one. The din dawns with the day. Throughout most of the civilized world, the new day is born in a silence so profound, one can imagine he hears the morning glory open its petals to greet the rising sun. Hour-conscious, minute-counting, time-saving America is blasted from sleep by explosive screams of the alarm clock radio, which may largely explain the frenetic pace that jangles the nation's nerves throughout the day. Timed to the split second, an entire community prepares for the day in a seemingly well-regulated schedule that first dispatches the adult males and gets them safely into the aorta of the city's traffic system— those marvels of engineering called freeways that have contributed so much to American progress..."
AJ: The next major movement of which the objective observer is aware comes after an interval during which the adult females have attended their basic household chores. They run errands, walk dogs, stroll babies, borrow, lend, exchange, and discuss. And during the period from sunup till sundown, the typical American community is completely matriarchal, dominated entirely by females—a no man's land more foreboding than ancient Scythia, home of the Amazon.
While he dictates, scenes of suburbia flash on the screen.
I should do a post on Linda's style, cause there isn't a thing she wears that isn't super chic.
Now it's time for another time-honoured tradition: AJ's going grocery shopping. There are more pratfalls here, plus the return of little Mrs. Macintyre, who tries to help him shop (to disasterous results), but here's the main crux...
...he runs into Rosemary and Mrs. Brown, the neighbourhood busybody, who's there with a petition for everyone to sign.
Mrs. Brown: Dear, you're just the one I need. Sign this petition to help safeguard the young people of paradise village.
Rosemary: What is this, Mrs. brown?
Mrs. Brown: The village bookshop is selling those dreadful books by AJ Niles again. I want them to remove those nasty volumes before they corrupt our youth.
Rosemary: Have you ever read any of the books?
Mrs. Brown: Certainly not.
Rosemary: How do you know they're so nasty?
Mrs. Brown: Certain chapters in all of AJ Niles' books are nasty. Everyone knows that's what makes him so popular.
Rosemary: I can't see how the presence of a book can corrupt anyone.
Mrs. Brown: It's the parents' duty to censor their children's reading, not mine.
Rosemary: I can't sign your petition, Mrs. brown.
AJ: I'll sign that, Mrs. brown.
Mrs. Brown: Well, you're a good neighbor. Mr. Adams, isn't it?
AJ: That's right. I admire your attitude, Miss Howard, but I feel a sense of obligation to the writer. Every attempt to suppress books helps push them atop the bestseller list. Thank you, on behalf of AJ Niles and the bureau of internal revenue.
And after the sojourn to the grocery store, it's time for AJ to head home. He gains a follower in Dolores Jynson, who notices that he's leaving a trail of soap powder from his car (the box ripped open on the drive home).
He's not concerned, he says, he has a few more boxes. She offers to help him lug everything in, and introduces herself as Tom's wife. She calls him a blowhard, if that tells you anything.
She shows him how to do the laundry, and the gag is that they put too much laundry soap in the washer because they're equally distracted by the other's attractiveness. She tells AJ that she's separated from Tom, and because he's not treating her well, she's holding up his money and tying up Paradise Hills, the other development, until he learns how to behave.
She tells him, too, that he left her in Paradise and took up a hotel, and she's so bored here. Plus, Tom's always out with other women, including Rosemary (who, to be fair, works with him and seems to be totally put off by his behaviour). She offers to come over and keep him company...
Uh oh...
...before they can flirt anymore, they finally notice the disaster bubbling up from the laundry room.
They rush out, where Linda's chatting with the other neighbours.
And then it's up to AJ and Linda to turn off the washer. The firefighters show up, wondering why they bothered to call for them, and AJ quips, "If I hollered 'soap' who'd come?"
Guess who knows what's going on at Rosemary's house and isn't thilled about what he's hearing? If you guessed Tom, you're correct!
Tom: Rosemary, when's the last time you stopped by your house?
Rosemary: A week ago. Why?
Tom: Did it look as if there was any dirty work going on?
Rosemary: Dirty work?
Tom: You know.
Rosemary: No, I don't know. The house never looked cleaner.
Tom: There is definitely something strange going on. Drive down Katherina street, and you'll see women—our ladies—wearing lipstick and dresses, during the day! It's starting to spread throughout paradise.
Rosemary: Tom, exactly what is Mrs. Bown telling you?
Tom: I'll tell you what she told me. She told me that your harmless Mr. Adams is entertaining women every afternoon in your house.
Rosemary: Collectively or individually?
Tom: Either way, I don't like it. It looks bad. I want you to find out what is going on.
AJ is indeed hosting all the wives in the neighbourhood, but it's not for improper reasons. He's giving them romance tips!
AJ: Just picture this scene for yourselves: your husband comes home. He walks in the house. He finds candles flickering and the table set for two, soft, romantic music, vintage wine chilled, a faint, alluring scent of perfume. The setting is perfect. Then he discovers a woman he's never seen before—beautiful, seductive, exciting. What does he do?
Wife: I'll kill him!
LAUGHTER
AJ: The woman is you.
Wife: Oh!
Rosemary shows up just as the congregation breaks up. They're all planning out their date nights and offering to babysit for each other so that they all get a crack at AJ's tip.
Linda and Camille ask why Rosemary's not a member of the group (seems to me that's a fairly obvious answer) but she replies that she's only visiting on momentary business.
And once inside, she grills AJ.
"It's certainly not AA," he tells her. She asks if he found a secretary yet, since he seems to be conducting interviews with great frequency.
AJ: We're conducting a cultural exchange. Discussions of life, love, and the pursuit. It's had a bracing effect on the community. There's been a run on girdles.
Rosemary: Your friend Niles' books are all sold out.
AJ: How do you know he's a friend of mine?
Rosemary: You signed that petition. Do you really know him?
AJ: Intimately. We worked on the same sports department back in Cleveland.
Rosemary: Is he as wicked as his books? I find him fascinating.
AJ: You'd like a.J. Niles. Splendid fellow. A bachelor, too, by the way.
Rosemary: What's he look like?
AJ: He's devilishly attractive.
Rosemary: I haven't seen a picture.
AJ: Most writers have their portraits on the backs of books. If his face became well-known, it'd be a handicap to his research. I'll tell you one thing. He'd be crazy about you.
Rosemary: Oh? What makes you so sure?
AJ: Your attitude. Your refreshingly realistic attitude. You don't have any of the natural female instinct to deprive a bachelor of his freedom.
She tells him that she'll find him a part-time secretary, and before they can flirt some more, the phone rings. It's Dolores, and she wants to go out to dinner. AJ asks for a recommendation, and they settle on The Pig Pit. He then invites Rosemary to join them, and she can bring along Tom Jynson.
Rosemary: He's a married man.
AJ: Dolores Jynson's a married woman. They're practically divorced. The four of us would be quite civilized. Could be quite amusing.
Rosemary: Thanks, Mr. Adams, but I'm not that desperate for amusement. Good-bye.
While he's getting ready, he makes a memo to check in with the wives who had a nice dinner.
Speaking of...
Leland Quinlaw arrives home, sees the set-up, and tells Camille that he must be in the wrong house.
And over at the Pickering House...
Mrs. Pickering: I did not lose the electric light money in the bridge game!
Mr. Pickering: Then turn them on.
Mrs. Pickering: I want candlelight and romance!
Mr. Pickering: I want the lights on! And what's with the violins? Who needs this? I want to see my kids, and I'm not going to eat dinner in the bedroom! Take off that ridiculous dress!
And over at the Delvane House...
...Larry approves. He wants to skip dinner entirely, and do this every night. Linda halfheartedly reminds him of the kids before she succumbs to his charms.
And at AJ's house, Dolores shows up...
...Mrs. Brown saw it herself.
At the restaurant, Dolores is on her way to drunk, telling AJ all about how Tom always brought her here because he'd never splurge on a fancy restaurant ("So you've been telling me for the past hour," AJ says.).
She goes to powder her nose and check her mascara...
...just as Rosemary appears with the warning that Mrs. Brown called Tom and he's hunting for them at every restaurant in town.
Speak of the devil!
AJ asks if he'd like to join him and Rosemary for dinner.
Tom: No, thanks. I'm looking for Dolores.
AJ: Going on your second honeymoon?
Tom: You didn't say you were going to dinner with Mr. Adams.
Rosemary: That's no one's business but my own.
AJ: Unfortunately, we were only discussing miss Howard's business.
Rosemary: Yes. Mr. Adams is thinking of extending his lease. We may need a new one.
Tom: Well, from what I hear, you'd better add a morality clause.
Rosemary: Takes a real dirty mind to believe everything Mrs. Brown says.
Tom: Wait a minute, Miss Howard.
He storms off...
...Dolores comes back and sees Rosemary. "The minute I leave the table! Honestly, you men are all alike! You can't trust any man!"
The next morning, Linda has a status report that she delivers in French. Their evening went perfectly, exactly as he'd predicted, and now they want to do it weekly!
The doorbell rings and Rosemary's on the other side.
Tom: Come in. Or would you feel safer if I came out?
Rosemary: Your discussion group will be here soon.
Tom: There's safety in numbers.
Rosemary: Not if the numbers are 38-22-34.
Tom: Ooh, you flatter me. What can I do for you?
Rosemary: Keep away from Dolores. I won't chase around, keeping you out of trouble.
Tom: Trouble? I'm a big boy. I shave and everything.
Rosemary: If Tom had caught you, you'd be in enough hot water to shave for a week. He'd have filed for divorce.
Tom: I have a financial interest in paradise village. I don't want a scandal. Have you resumed work on Paradise Hills?
Rosemary: You know we haven't. Why do you ask?
Tom: You haven't found me a secretary. The work's piling up. Could you help part-time?
Rosemary: Me?
Tom: You're the only one here I can trust.
Rosemary: Why?
Tom: It's the nature of my work.
Rosemary: What is the nature of your work?
Tom: It's a series of reports.
Rosemary: Oh, government work?
Tom: I am working for the government. It occurred to me, until you resume Paradise Hills, you could help me each evening.
Rosemary: Sorry. I don't like to work nights.
Tom: Wait. Let's discuss this more.
Rosemary: There's nothing to discuss.
Tom: I'd like to explain over dinner. I've discovered a little place not only affordable, but where the food's fit for the angels and the drinks for the gods.
Rosemary: Call me later.
It works, he calls her later, and they wind up at a Tiki bar, where Rosemary lets loose.
They talk about Tom and Dolores, and how Tom thinks that she's cheating every time he's not looking, and how Tom thinks AJ's dangerous to the neighbourhood, being a bachelor and all. She gets well and truly drunk before AJ can woo her, so any sniff of romance between them is, yet again, delayed.
The next day, AJ has more advice for Linda and Camille and the others. This time it's about hair.
Linda: How about if Camille went red, instead of black?
Camille: Leland's crazy about Susan Hayward, and she's a redhead.
AJ: He tells you that so you won't know how he feels about Lollobrigida.
Linda goes blonde. Like, Monroe blonde...
...and Larry doesn't like it. He tells her to take that hideous wig off, which makes her cry.
Next door, AJ and Rosemary are fixing the dictation machine as he fills her in on some of the details of his work. He doesn't reveal that he's AJ Niles, but he says Austin is the one who encouraged him to write a similar book about the American woman.
Rosemary's about to take off, head back to the office and type there without distraction, but Linda interrupts before she can go. Larry took off, drunk and upset about her hair, and she promised she'd go visit her sister (she doesn't want to bring the kids or tell her sister about Larry), so she asks if they'd mind babysitting Stevie and Dougie. They're asleep, she promises, so it's not like AJ will have to do much.
Ha.
Drunk Larry wanders next door to give AJ a piece of his mind...
...but finds Rosemary on the other side of the door.
He accuses her of "hanky-pankying around" with AJ and making him think it was Linda. AJ stands behind him, with Larry never turning around to realize that the man he's seeking is there. Instead, he goes stumbling off in the opposite direction of his house...
...so AJ brings Rosemary next door to help with the babysitting.
He needs the help, as you can see.
Rosemary starts to change the baby's diaper...
...but changes her mind and leaves the rest to AJ, since he should theoretically know how to do it. (He doesn't. The gag here is that Bob Hope lathers the baby up in so much oil, he's practically a slick.)
The rest of the evening passes with drunk Larry turning the whole way around the bend and now he's mad that Linda's not enough for AJ, he's got to get Rosemary too?
The next morning, Tom's got a letter for Rosemary.
Tom: "Causing unrest and disharmony apart from entertaining married and unmarried women, in flagrant violation of all standards of decency and morality.The undersigned therefore demand that Paradise Village, incorporated, remove the above-named undesirable tenant immediately." And it's signed by every husband on Katherina street.
Rosemary: But not one of their wives.
Tom: Don't tell me he's gotten to you, too, Rosemary.
Rosemary: You don't believe that rot!
Tom: These gentlemen believe it.
Rosemary: Aristotle said the high-minded man is interested in the truth, not in what people believe.
Tom: Aristotle doesn't live in Paradise, and I won't antagonize the people who do. Rosemary, I want Jack Adams out of your house.
Rosemary: No, Tom.
Rosemary: I won't put him out, not for you or anybody.
Tom: Are you disobeying me?
Rosemary: This is not the Marine Corps, Major Jynson.
Tom: No. This is Paradise, and I'm in command. You will do what I say, or you're through. Fired.
Rosemary: I'm sorry, Tom. Truly sorry!
Rosemary shows up at her house and offers to be a full-time secretary, since she refuses to work for a man who fires her. AJ's only too happy to hire her on full-time, since he needs the help with research. Now she's his landlady and secretary and he's her tenant and boss. What could go wrong?
The research phase commences. They go to a baseball game...
...and to the bowling alley.
AJ: They say 20 million American women have taken this up.
Rosemary: Sure. To get rid of their aggressions.
(I have no real reason to share this picture, I just love the mid-century bowling alley and how chic Lana Turner looks in her bowling outfit.)
Soon, AJ and Rosemary are flirting as she gets everything set up for his work. They both admit they've never been in love before and they're both cautious with their hearts. Rosemary leaves and Linda appears.
She's back to brunette and she's got a warning for AJ.
AJ: You've dyed your hair back, haven't you?
Linda: But he's still suspicious.
AJ: Of me?
Linda: It's your reputation, Jack. Everybody thinks that...
AJ: Thinks what?
Linda: That you're having affairs with all of us: me, Camille, Dolores, Rosemary!
AJ: Really? That should qualify me for the Olympic team.
Linda: Don't joke about it. They've written everything down.
AJ: Good. We'll make an Italian movie from it.
Linda: They even sent in that petition.
AJ: What petition?
Linda: To Tom Jynson, to have you evicted, only Rosemary wouldn't do it.
Linda leaves and AJ calls Rosemary to come back.
AJ: Sit down, Rosemary. I want to ask you something.
Rosemary: Why couldn't you ask me on the phone?
AJ: I want to see your face when you answer. This isn't the first time you've tried to protect me, and I'm touched, but you should have told me about the petition.
Rosemary: What good would it have done?
AJ: I could have spared everyone by moving out.
Rosemary: Leaving Paradise?
AJ: I should think you'd be glad to get rid of me.
Rosemary: No. What about your book?
AJ: I've got enough material for six books if I want.
Rosemary: Oh, Jack, please. I just don't want to get hopelessly involved.
AJ: You're a little late. You already are.
They admit that they love each other but they can't carry on as two singles living together, and they don't want to ask the other to marry them.
AJ: You know what you'd be getting for a husband? A man who's been a bachelor all his life, a gypsy who's never had a permanent home since he was a kid and the pool room burned down. A man who's not only broke, but in hock to the government. Is that the man you want to marry?
Rosemary: I don't know if I want to marry anyone.
AJ: Then it's a stand-off.
Inside, the phone rings. It's Austin, and he needs AJ to return to Washington immediately.
The next morning, Rosemary calls Linda to see if AJ's over at the house, but she tells her that the car's been gone and he hasn't been there since yesterday.
Rosemary goes over to her house and finds the tape recorder with a note on it to listen to his message.
"Darling—That's you, Rosemary—I had to leave. Keep this machine to remember me by. I hope you'll be as lonesome and miserable without me as I have been every evening when you left."
In Washington, AJ receives all of his money back from his business manager, who was caught boarding a plane in Mexico City. They say that he could sign an affidavit to see the man on trial, but AJ just wants to avoid a courtroom (there's something about them that he doesn't like) and instead focus on his new book; the promo of which will now ramp up.
AJ: I've been back in this country for some time--in California, in a housing development in the San Fernando valley. I've used an assumed name, but I've been doing research for my newest book. It's based on modern living in this country. It's called how the Americans live. It's been a fascinating experience. I've been amazed at my findings. I've found a strong, healthy group of hard-working men and women who not only are kind and decent, but go to extremes to help each other.
Naturally, Mrs. Brown is watching him on television, and sees him using his real name, AJ Niles.
And now AJ returns to Paradise.
He sits in the living room.
While Rosemary, who moved back in to her house, sleeps in the bedroom. She wakes up though when AJ walks in.
Rosemary: Why didn't you tell me you were coming back?
AJ: I didn't know I was going to.
Rosemary: This is awful.
AJ: It's not bad from here. You look alluring, and I'm proud of you for one thing. You didn't pull the bedclothes up around your neck. No need to get up. It's after midnight.
Rosemary: Oh, now, please.
AJ: You're beautiful with your hair shook up. Don't spoil it. You're a picture. Your face isn't full of grease like a channel swimmer.
Rosemary: Let me get up.
AJ: Neither of us planned this. It was meant to happen.
Rosemary: I didn't mean this to happen.
AJ: You're single, female, and in your right mind.
Rosemary: If you think I'll allow myself to become entangled with AJ Niles...
AJ: Oh, so that's it.
Rosemary: Everyone knows who you are, Mr. Niles. All you-know-what broke loose today.
AJ: You didn't feel this way before I left. I'm the same man.
Rosemary: The same deceitful liar.
AJ: I had to lie, but not anymore. A shattering thing happened while I was away. For the first time, I miss someone. I had to come back.
Rosemary: Please leave me alone, and get out of here!
AJ: At least now you know the truth. You can have the bedroom.
Rosemary: Your rent is still paid.
AJ: I'll sleep on the couch, like the men always do in American movies.
They spar some more, the barbs become sharper.
Rosemary: I came in to tell you how despicable you are.
AJ: I'm fond of me.
Rosemary: You're the only one who is, but I'm grateful to you for one thing. You brought me back to my senses. When I thought you had disappeared, I was desolate. I was miserable because I lost my nerve and ran out. Now that you're back, I see what a mistake it would have been. I'm not a woman to you. I'm a Guinea pig. That's all every female in paradise is to you, AJ Niles. By the same token, I owe you a vote of thanks. In the euphoria of recovering my loot and my identity, I considered proposing to you. What a stupid blunder, at my age, give up my freedom. Thanks for snapping me back to reality.
AJ: I'll be out of your life first thing tomorrow.
Rosemary: Thank you.
The doorbell interrupts them, and it's Linda. She tells him that she's so happy to find out that he's actually AJ Niles, and that all the wives will stick up for him if necessary. Then a knock at the door, and she says that it better not be Larry, because if he finds her here, he'll be furious.
He tells her to hide in the bedroom, but not the one Rosemary's hiding in.
He opens the door again, and this time it's Camille. She wants him to come with her to her house and tell Leland that they're not having an affair. Ever since AJ revealed his real identity, Leland's become convinced that his wife's been running around.
The doorbell interrupts them, and he sends her off hiding with Linda in case it's Leland.
But of course it's not, it's Dolores! She asks why he didn't tell her his identity since, "we could have conducted the most marvelous experiments together!" She wants to be in his book, and wants to get started straight away, only...
Just then, Tom arrives.
Tom: Ah! So Mrs. Brown was right!
AJ: Wait a minute, Jynson.
Tom: I won't wait a second, you libertine. I'll see you in court. Both of you!
Then Tom storms back out, just as a mob of husbands are about to descend upon AJ.
Camille and Linda spot them and try to run away, not wanting to be caught at AJ Niles's place.
Rosemary spots them and tries to help them, but alas. I'll let the newspaper front page montage speak for itself.
That's right. It's time for divorce court. And remember, AJ's got a thing about courtrooms.
Yes, you're seeing that right. That's Agnes Moorehead as the presiding judge. In his opening testimony, Tom tries to plug Paradise but Agnes quickly puts him in his place.
Tom, Leland, and Larry are all filing for divorce from Dolores, Camille, and Linda and naming AJ as the correspondent.
Naturally, AJ and Austin are there watchin the spectacle.
Dolores: Yes, I said I wanted to be in his book. I wanted to be a whole new chapter. I wanted to be a whole new book: How Mrs. Tom Cheapskate Lives. Miserably.
Meanwhile, the husbands all have the same argument, that AJ came in and poisoned their wives' minds with ideas on love and seduction, and how they knew their wives were having affairs with him based on what he'd been teaching.
Same, Agnes.
In the midst of all this, Austin has some good news: AJ's book is already on its second printing.
Lawyer: From your observations, Mrs. Brown, how would you describe Mr. Niles?
Mrs. Brown: Sex fiend, pure and simple.
Now it's time for AJ to take the stand, and he tries to clarify, only he's not doing a good job of it (he admits under oath he doesn't like Dolores that way, which offends her, and that sure, she was in a negligee, but there were three other women in the house at the time).
Rosemary arrives just in time for the grand speech.
AJ: May I make one statement to clarify this situation?
Judge: Clarification would certainly be in order, Mr. Niles.
AJ: There seems to be a public image of AJ Niles as some sort of wandering Casanova, to whom the world is a private boudoir. In the past, there may have been some justification for this, but since I established residence at paradise village, I'm a different man. For the first time, I've been in love—sincerely, deeply in love. And because of that, only one woman has meant anything to me. That woman is Rosemary Howard. Because of my feeling for her, I couldn't have possibly indulged in the activities of which I've been accused. I returned from Washington to marry miss Howard. Unfortunately, she turned me down, but I was truly and still am deeply in love, and I hope to persuade her to change her mind and marry me.
How's that for a declaration?
Varying reactions from the crowd, there. The lawyer calls Rosemary to testify next...
...and there's a loaded look between her and AJ on her way to the stand.
Lawyer: Now, Miss Howard, were you formerly associated with Mr. Jynson in business?
Rosemary: I was.
Lawyer: Did you resign your position?
Rosemary: No. I was fired.
Lawyer: Will you tell the court why?
Rosemary: Because I refused to evict Mr. Niles from my house.
Lawyer: Who demanded that eviction?
Rosemary: There was a petition signed by a number of husbands in the neighborhood.
Lawyer: That would be exhibit a, your honor.
Judge: Is this the document, miss Howard?
Rosemary: It appears to be.
Lawyer: Now, Miss Howard, that petition makes several allegations as to the conduct and character of Mr. Niles. Would you deny them now, under oath? Well, Miss Howard?
Rosemary: May I make a statement, your honor? In the interest of clarification?
Judge: Oh, yes. By all means.
Rosemary: These three divorce cases are based on a complete misunderstanding of Mr. Niles and his motives and the motives of the wives.
Men, wrong about something? Surely, you jest!
Rosemary: I know this because I worked very closely with Mr. Niles on his notes. I heard all the conversation between the girls and Jack—I mean, Mr. Niles—that night before Tom Jynson came bursting in. AJ Niles only wanted to help. He understood their frustrations, their doubts, and their loneliness.
Rosemary: A woman left alone, even in paradise, has to rebuild her pride. I know Dolores and Tom are very much in love with each other, and Mr. Niles was aware of it, too. The others felt that their husbands were losing interest in them. But in all this time in paradise village, AJ Niles only wanted to help, and this is his reward.
Judge: Miss Howard, Mr. Niles is not on trial here.
Rosemary: I know that, your honor, but he seems to be the central character. These men are guilty of failing to appreciate their wives. What's worse, you didn't trust them.
Rosemary: The truth is, they're lucky to have women who care enough to try and win their affection.
Rosemary: As to Mr. AJ Niles, I have only one thing to say. A few minutes ago, he stated, under oath, that his only objective was to marry me.
AJ: And I meant it!
Rosemary: Then I wish to state, under oath, that I have changed my mind, and I accept his proposal of marriage.
And with that, the divorce hearings are over, everybody reconciles, and AJ and Rosemary...
Well...
Let's just leave it to AJ.
He's much better at words.
AJ: One of the most interesting aspects of the institution of marriage is a rather complex rite, colloquially referred to as the honeymoon. Historians have traced this romantic ritual back to the days of ancient—
But he doesn't get any further, because Rosemary's in bed with him, and well...you know. They all lived happily ever after!
THE END!
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