Why I Want to Go on a Cruise but Only if It’s the Cruise From ROMANCE ON THE HIGH SEAS

Listen, I love the idea of going on a cruise. It looks relaxing, like being on a palace at sea, but I also fear and respect the water, and I've seen Titanic, so it's also like, at what cost? Is there a hot guy in steerage waiting for me if I book the next cruise ship I can get on? 

But as I was ruminating a topic for the Classic Movie Blog Association's Spring Blogathon, it hit me: I really would only want to go on a cruise if it's the cruise from Romance on the High Seas. 

via heckyeahdorisday

This post is part of the Classic Movie Blog Association's Spring Blogathon, Fun in the Sun. Make sure you click through to read all the posts through to May 20th!

Romance on the High Seas, if you've never heard of it, is the movie that launched Doris Day's film career. It was her film debut and the director, Michael Curtiz, famously refused to let her take lessons or direction for fear that she'd lose that natural talent she had. 

Briefly (or click here if you want a full recap of the movie, which I wrote last year for Valentine's Day), Doris plays Georgia, a lounge singer who dreams of traveling the world though she can't afford it.

When she gets her passport mixed up with that of socialite Elvira Kent (played wonderfully by Janis Paige), Elvira hatches a scheme to find out if her husband is cheating on her by making Georgia pose as her on a cruise to Rio. But what Elvira doesn't know is that her husband is also planning to send someone in his place, a private investigator (played by Jack Carson) who's going to find out if she's cheating on him. It's screwy and fun, and I love this movie so much. 

Anyways, the main point of this post is why I want to go on a cruise, but only if it's the cruise from Romance on the High Seas, so let me give you a few reasons why.

1. If you're a rich socialite who thinks your husband's cheating on you and you need someone to pretend to be you on a cruise, I'm game. 
   
   
   
   
   
   I'm not a lounge singer for hire, I work in communications all day, so I can help you spin a convincing yarn about why I'm pretending to be you on a cruise if the truth comes out. And you might have to help me if I go behind my PTO allotment by funding me to the lifestyle that I would've become accustomed to while on the cruise. 
   
   
2. I, too, have gone on travel sites (and in the beforetimes, gone to travel agencies to get those big catalogs of trips to Europe) to book trips I'll never take, so I would be knowledgeable enough to play along with your con. 
   
   
   
   
   
   Basically this scene in a nutshell:
   
   Travel Agent: My, we haven't seen you, let's see now, since you didn't go to Switzerland.
   Georgia: l got a big kick out of planning that. What looks good this time of the year?
   Travel Agent: How about the Canadian Rockies?
   Georgia: Canadian Rockies? Don't you remember? l already haven't been there.
   Travel Agent: Oh, of course, I'm sorry. What about a cruise through the Canal, and return home by train from Los Angeles?
   Georgia: The Canal's for schmoes. Come on, what really looks good?
   Travel Agent: Well, South America's getting a heavy play. We have some literature on it, if you'll just step right over here.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. I will look up cruise etiquette and not dress up the first night on the cruise ship. 
   
   
   
   
   If you're the kind of socialite who "makes all the other debutants look like social climbers," I'm not going to make some kind of nouveau riche faux pas on the first night. 
   
   
4. I'm a naturally curious person and sus of everyone, so I'm probably going to annoy the private detective your husband hires to check on you and figure out the con within minutes.
   
   
   
   
   Also, will ask for a photo of him beforehand so I can at least recognize your husband when I bump into him before departure.
   
   
   
   
   And will try to evoke this type of reaction from a Jack Dawson-type passenger from the third class area, not the private investigator/faux husband foisted upon me. But obviously will keep all flirtations strictly platonic until the cruise is over. 
   
   
5. If you have a fabulous wardrobe and sense of style, I'm more than happy to swan about the deck pretending to be you. 
   
   
   
   
   But I'm keeping it all afterwards, okay? Look at all this! 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
6. I will take plenty of pictures for you, but I'm keeping the negatives. 
   
   
   
   
   I'll sign over the copyright to you, too, but I need to be given exclusive permission to use said photos of me in my luxurious clothes for profile pictures on all major social media channels. 
   
   
7. I will creep the passenger manifest to see if there are any celebrities on the ship and then report back any hot goss. 
   
   
   
   
   Like, if Leonardo DiCaprio's on board, I'll need my "I'm flying, Jack!" moment and your reputation will just have to weather that storm when it hits DeuxMoi. 
   
   
8. I don't have a misanthrope for a best friend who's also in love with me and gets drunk and stranded in Trinidad before flying into Rio and signing me up for singing gigs under your name.
   
   
   
   
   All of my friends are perfectly normal and wouldn't join a cruise half-way through just to keep tabs on me. Who can, in this economy? 
   
   
9. I have no aspirations for stardom, so if you send me on a cruise, the only time I'll ever be singing is when I'm too drunk to stop myself (and even then, security'll probably stop me loooong before I can audition for a singing engagement under your name). 
   
   
   
   
   Look, at most I'll commit to reciting Audrey Hepburn monologues from Breakfast at Tiffany's, or pulling the dashing private investigator your husband hires out of the crowd to be the Peter O'Toole to my Audrey Hepburn for a re-enactment of How to Steal a Million. But even that's pushing it. 
   
   
10. Once in Rio, I will happily stay close to the posh hotel or on the beach, or do some sightseeing.
    
    
    
    
    That's the whole point, right? Go act like a normal person would on a cruise? I'm gonna bring my camera, fill up my Kobo reader, and partake in some fruity cocktails and have the cruise experience of a lifetime. 
    
    
11. If the whole scheme falls apart in the end, I'll have a quippy one-liner prepared to give it a happily ever after movie ending and we'll all still be best friends once we get back home. 
    
    
    
    
    Something like, "Well, nobody's perfect."
    
    Or "There's no place like home."
    
    Or "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown." 
    
    Or "I have my own theory about the fall of France."

So in conclusion, these are the reasons why I'm willing to go on a cruise but only if it's the cruise from Romance on the High Seas. Leave me a comment if you need my services! 

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I took all the screenshots in this article. 

Happy reading!