"What Radio Program Do You Two Represent, and How Did I Win It?"

February 14, 2021

"What Radio Program Do You Two Represent, and How Did I Win It?" - Romance on the High Seas

In honour of Valentine's Day, let's take a trip on the high seas with Doris Day and Jack Carson in one of my favourite love stories, Romance on the High Seas.

via tumbral

Let's dive in!

Released in 1948, Romance on the High Seas was Doris Day's movie debut. Though she was fourth billed, she quickly stole the film and began a long and successful career as a box office superstar.

Here's the IMDb summary: "Romantic misunderstandings abound when spouses suspect each other of being unfaithful, and a nightclub singer takes a cruise under a false identity."

We're gathered here today for the wedding of Elvira and Michael, a very photogenic couple who love each other very much. Elvira is played by Janis Paige, and her uncle is played by S. Z. Sakall.

This is Michael, played by Don Defore.

Anyways, they're totally in love with each other.

"Did you see that? Did you see the way he looked at that bridesmaid?" Elvira whispers to her uncle. He assures her that he just happened to be looking that way when a bridesmaid happened to appear.

Then Elvira smiles at a guest...

"Did you catch that? Flirting right up to the last minute," Michael whispers to his best man.

They go through with it, even though neither trusts the other completely. The foundation of any solid marriage: total and complete mistrust of your partner. Best wishes, Mr. and Mrs. Kent!

And now we're treated to a montage as Elvira fills out her journal.

They're going to spend their first wedding anniversary in Bermuda!

Until Michael calls to let Elvira know about an important business deal.

So the trip is cancelled. "Important merger my eye!" Elvira writes.

Their second anniversary was supposed to be spent in Canada, but Michael's company signed an aspirin deal and they had to cancel again.

(As a proud Canadian, every time someone talks about vacationing here I have to ask why. What do they think is in Canada? It's freezing here, there's a lot of greenery depending on where you go, but like...why Canada over say, anywhere else?)

And now it's time for their third wedding anniversary. I wonder where they're going!

(Side note: I love watching people handwrite notes in old movies and that this was a real job. People compliment me on my handwriting all the time; I could've made a mint back in those days!)

Elvira shows up at the travel agency all ready to book them a getaway to somewhere fun (fingers crossed it's not Canada!)...

The Kents are going to Rio! They're booked on the Southern Queen, which will leave New York the following Tuesday, and they're staying in a stateroom on the promenade deck (how fancy!). Once they get to Rio, they'll be staying in the Presidential Suite at the Hotel Atlantico.

Enter Georgia Garrett, a nightclub singer who often visits the travel agency just to window shop, since she can't afford to travel anywhere. She hopes to someday, though!

Travel Agent: My, we haven't seen you, let's see now, since you didn't go to Switzerland.

Georgia: l got a big kick out of planning that. What looks good this time of the year?

Travel Agent: How about the Canadian Rockies?

Georgia: Canadian Rockies? Don't you remember? l already haven't been there.

Travel Agent: Oh, of course, I'm sorry. What about a cruise through the Canal, and return home by train from Los Angeles?

Georgia: The Canal's for schmoes. Come on, what really looks good?

Travel Agent: Well, South America's getting a heavy play. We have some literature on it, if you'll just step right over here.

Elvira takes notice of her, and the travel agent tells her that she comes in every few months to request catalogues but she never goes anywhere. "Quite a character," he says. Elvira then goes to have her passport photo taken; as does Georgia: she's never had a passport photo taken as a blonde even though she has seven photos.

Over to Michael's workplace, the Miracle Drug Company...

...he and Uncle Lazlo are watching from the window as Elvira shows up.

He's suspicious that she raised the top on the convertible. Because, of course...

And, of course, when Elvira gets up to her husband's office, she meets his new secretary, as of 9:00 am that morning, and she's naturally suspicious.

She reminds him about their cruise to South America, and he says "Uh oh," which she knows means it's going to be cancelled. Turns out some business came up this morning and they may have to postpone.

Elvira speculates that this new business development came up right around the same time as the secretary started working in the office (it's actually a merger, but semantics).

She goes to visit Uncle Lazlo, who owns the company (Michael's the head of development) and asks if he really needs him for this business deal. He really does, he says, and that harmless flirting is harmless flirting).

Then Elvira opens up her passport photos, and they're not hers, they're Georgia's. Uncle Lazlo also has an idea: go to South America alone, without Michael. Elvira would rather catch him down in Rio so she can prove he's lying about the business deal. Then she has an idea: they're going nightclubbing that evening...

Where they find Georgia...

...accompanied by Oscar Farrar on the piano (played self-deprecatingly by the self-deprecating Oscar Levant, who would've surely won the Oscar for Best Self-Deprecating Actor if such a thing existed).

They're performing 'I'm In Love.'

Click to listen.

Oh, and Oscar's totally in love with her, if you couldn't tell.

Oscar: Marry me so I can quit this job.

Georgia: I'm getting tired of turning you down.

Oscar: Marry me and get yourself a dependent. I'm deductible.

Georgia: Oscar, you're a sweet kid, but just a little offensive.

Oscar: l always wanted to marry a girl who could tune a piano on the side. Once and for all, will you marry me? Answer yes or no.

Georgia: No.

Oscar: We'll continue this discussion later.

After her set, she goes to chat with Elvira and Uncle Lazlo about this amazing plan they've concocted.

Elvira: How would you like to go to South America after all?

Georgia: How would l like to go to- Oh, you mean as a stowaway?

Elvira: No. In a first class cabin, all expenses paid, and $ 1 000 spending money.

Georgia: What radio program do you two represent, and how did I win it?

Elvira tells her the only catch is that she has to travel under her name and pretend to be her so that she can stay behind secretly to catch her husband cheating on her (which he so clearly is, obviously...). Georgia, naturally, takes the deal (who wouldn't?!).

Placated, Elvira sets about 'packing' for her cruise when Michael comes and tells her that he'll be finished his merger earlier than expected and that he'll be able to join her on the cruise, if they leave a few days later than expected.

Georgia calls in the middle of all this, causing Elvira to rush to get off the phone, and Michael thinks he overhears her say that she'll see George on the boat. Now he's suspicious all over again...

...and he goes to a private detective for answers.

Enter Peter Virgil, played by robust character actor Jack Carson. Michael's going to create a ruse of his own to catch his cheating wife.

Peter: What can I do for you?

Michael: Well, you'll excuse me for being blunt, Mr. Virgil. Tell me, Mr. Virgil, are you a good detective?

Peter: Naturally.

Michael: Where did you get your training?

Peter: In the Army. Intelligence G-2.

Michael: Well, were you good at your job?

Peter: We won the war, didn't we? Before that I was a vaudeville hoofer, wrestler, and a magician's assistant. So you can see, I'm a man of wide experience.

Michael tells him that his wife is adamant that she can't wait a few days for him to be available for their South American cruise, and that he thinks she's going to see another man (the aforementioned George). He wants Peter to board the boat and shadow Elvira to catch her in the act.

Peter: I can tell you right now without batting an eyelash, it'll cost you $ 1 000 a week.

Michael: Well, that's a little steep, isn't it, old boy?

Peter: Yes, yes, it is, but I'll probably get seasick.

Michael: Well, all right, all right.

(Side note: I'd never even heard of Jack Carson until about a year ago and now I see him in just about every movie I watch. He's the human version of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon...)

So it's settled! The Kents are going on a cruise! I'm sure it's going to be totally fine and there'll be absolutely no shenanigans. Better roll the credits now!

On the ship, Elvira and Michael are saying goodbye to each other without actually saying goodbye, and Elvira's trying to get him off the ship in time for her to get off the ship as well...

...while Georgia waits, with Oscar, to get aboard the ship and take Elvira's stateroom without Michael seeing. He's trying to convince her not to do this (for totally selfish reasons) but she's adamant that she'll go through with it.

After saying goodbye to Elvira, Michael goes to meet Peter. What a conundrum!

In all the hullabaloo, Georgia and Michael even run into each other!

Luckily, Georgia's able to make it to the stateroom before Elvira and Uncle Lazlo need to leave.

There, Elvira gives her a few last-minute tips to really sell this performance: Elvira always over tips (which makes me like her even more) and she is never 'beat' (she's fatigued). She also pre-wrote letters to Michael that Georgia needs to post at every stop; and she can forget about men, because there can't be a ship-board romance (on the high seas) for Georgia while she's pretending.

Anyways, have fun darling, don't forget to write!

This screenshot is simply to catalogue the chicness of Georgia's look here. I wish hats would make a comeback.

I'm not even going to attempt to keep the fake names going throughout this recap: Georgia will always be Georgia for simplicity's sake. Anyways!

That evening, Peter is ready for dinner and he's looking for Mrs. Kent.

Here she comes, dressed to the nines...

...and she runs smack-dab into Peter. Pretty odd that he never asked for a picture of Mrs. Kent? Anyways, she gets a telegram just as they're about to talk...

Apparently it's a thing that you don't dress up on the first night of a cruise? Who knew!

Anyways, the dining room's closed by the time they get ready to actually eat, so they have to find food elsewhere. They go down to a lounge and, of course, Georgia the crooner has to sing a song.

Listen to 'It's You Or No One' here.

Now they're both officially smitten, just in time for another telegram from Elvira to conveniently find its way into Georgia's hands:

Georgia departs back to her stateroom, leaving Peter all alone. And what does intrepid private detective Peter Virgil have to say about Mrs. Elvira Kent after their night together? One word:

Things are getting interesting!

Next stop: Cuba!

Georgia and Peter go ashore together.

And we're treated to 'The Tourist Trade,' sung by Avon Long. Listen here.

While they're ashore, both call their respective Kents. Peter tells Michael that Elvira hasn't even looked at another man.

Georgia: I'm taking my work so seriously, I don't know who l am.

Elvira: Good. Have you been sticking close to your cabin?

Georgia: Have I? I've only spoken to one man, and he's harmless, quite.

Elvira: I thought I warned you about that.

Georgia: I figured if l don't speak to any men at all, it's sure to attract attention to me. Oh, by the way, Mrs. Kent, I know it's not my business, but have you got anything on your husband?

Elvira: I'm afraid his conduct has been impeccable.

Georgia: Caught him with the goods.

Elvira: That means he's been behaving himself.

Georgia: Too bad. Well, maybe he'll do something unimpeccable before l come back.

After their phone calls, they walk into a bar and spend some romantic time together as Georgia sings 'It's Magic' to Peter. Listen here.

Uh oh! Look who's boarding the ship!

Georgia sees Oscar boarding and tries to rush away before she's spotted. Peter reminds her about dinner that evening, and she says she has to leave in order to get ready in time.

Porter: May I help you, sir?

Oscar: Well, you're not exactly my type, but you can take my bags.

Later that evening, Georgia begs off dinner faking an illness, but Peter shows up with a doctor who insists on treating her come hell or high water. He gives her an injection that'll put her right to sleep.

Oscar, meanwhile, is trying to find Georgia on the manifest, but her name's not there. He sees Elvira Kent's, though, and puts two and two together.

And finds her, where he, again, proposes to her. He's super creepy.

Oscar: I picked up your last two paychecks. It was barely enough to pay for my plane ticket. Didn't even leave me enough to buy you a present. I feel like a cad.

Georgia: You crook. You can go to jail for that.

Oscar: Marry me and you won't have to testify.

Georgia: I'm so sleepy. And you know I don't love you.

Oscar: I don't know whether to believe what I'm hearing or what I'm feeling.

What Georgi and Oscar don't know is that Peter was snooping, being a detective for once, and he's finally found something worthy of cabling Michael about...

The next morning, Georgia and Peter meet on the deck. She's refreshed, he's bothered.

Peter: Can you explain to me why that man was in your cabin kissing you?

Georgia: No.

Peter: Well?

Georgia: Well, can you explain why you were watching my cabin?

Peter: No.

Georgia: Well?

Peter: Well, maybe--

Georgia: Maybe what?

Peter: Well, maybe I'm narrow-minded. But I don't like married women who play around.

Georgia: What if the other man was you?

Peter: That's beside the point.

Georgia storms off, angry, and wants to start drinking, but the bartender tells her it's too early to get her kicks, so she sets off to find her kicks another way. Cue up 'Put 'Em In a Box, Tie 'Em With Ribbon (And Throw It in the Deep Blue Sea).' Listen here.

Oscar finds his way back to Georgia, and demands an answer as to what's going on. She tells him that she's in love with Peter but that they can't be together because of this whole ruse. "He thinks I'm married. If I kiss him, I lose him. On the other hand, if I tell him the truth, who will he hate most, a cheat or a phony?"

Later that evening, dressed in a gorgeous soft pink gown, Georgia stands out on the deck and sings a reprise of 'It's Magic' about her love for Peter. Listen here.

Peter joins her out on the deck.

Peter: If only you weren't married.

Georgia: How I wish I could tell you I wasn't.

Peter: How easy it would be if you weren't married, I'd take you in my arms.

They reveal their love for each other, and act on it as much as they can, and Peter tells her that he has to send a cablegram...

I'm sure Michael will love this (as will Elvira, when she finds out!).

The next morning, Georgia has two messages before going ashore in Trinidad: Oscar wants her to have dinner with him at the Flambio; Peter wants her to have dinner with him at the Flambio, too.

As we go ashore, we're treated to another song: 'In Trinidad.'

Peter, who's drinking at the bar already, chimes in with a song of his own: 'Run, Run, Run.' Listen here to both songs.

Peter and Oscar then both go to the Flambio, naturally, to wait for Georgia. They commiserate over girl trouble and drown their sorrows. Or try to, anyways. The man sitting on Peter's left keeps stealing shots when they're not paying attention. Neither realizes they're talking about the same woman, because Oscar's talking about Georgia and Peter's talking about a married woman.

Georgia arrives at the Flambio with two notes for the waiter to deliver and then she takes off back to the ship. The men decide they're both going to fly back to New York, and send their own messages back onto the ship for Georgia.

They're only slightly hungover when the flight attendant wakes them up and tells them they're about to land in Rio.

Turns out they asked for tickets to Rio by using bad Spanish; if they'd spoken English, they would've arrived back in New York and we wouldn't have a third act!

Peter and Oscar go to the Atlantico Hotel, where Georgia will arrive shortly. Just as they walk in, Peter gets a phone call from Michael.

Michael: Why haven't you called me in all this time?

Peter: Well, that's, that's because I didn't want to give you the bad news.

Michael: Bad news? What's the bad news?

Georgia then arrives, looking chic as ever (I hope Elvira will let her keep these dresses)...

...and Peter plants a big kiss on her as soon as he sees her.

Then he introduces Oscar to his love, Mrs. Elvira Kent, and wonders if she's anything like Oscar's girl, Georgia Garrett.

Peter then hops back on the call with Michael to tell him that he's going to give his two weeks notice and that he's been taking his money under false pretenses. Now Michael's even more suspicious about what 'Elvira's' been up to on that cruise.

Meanwhile, Elvira's also stewing. "You know, it's very irritating. Here I give up a wonderful cruise to trap my husband and what happens? Nothing. Just goes to show you can't trust men. And that girl is having a perfectly wonderful time under my name. I haven't heard a thing from her. Who knows what's going on there. Just goes to show you can't trust women either."

Uncle Lazlo encourages her to fly down to Rio and call Michael to also fly down and join her so that they can take the cruise back together, now that she knows he's behaved while 'she's' been away. Elvira agrees to this new plan.

What she doesn't know is that Michael's already planning to fly down to confront 'Elvira' and Peter. Uncle Lazlo goes to visit him and decides that he'll fly down as well.

Back in Rio, Georgia and Peter are romancing out in the open now (but he still doesn't know her real name, which seems like something she should've alerted him to by now, eh?).

While Oscar's trying to arrange a deal to perform at the Hotel Atlantico. The owner, Plinio, tells him that he can't afford to pay him and that he's looking for a real attraction to star in a revue at the newly-renovated hotel. He wants someone with a name.

Oscar knows somebody with a name: Mrs. Elvira Kent! "When she came out, she made all the other debutantes look like social climbers."

So Plinio goes over to Georgia and offers her the one thing she's always wanted: a headlining act in a glamorous place. She accepts, of course, for a salary of $1,000 per week under the name of Georgia Garrett; Plinio offers her $7,000 as Elvira. "It's no accident that I happen to have the contract right with me."

Peter comes over to congratulate her on the new singing gig...

...just as Michael and Uncle Lazlo arrive.

Michael: All you need to explain is the meaning of this.

Peter: That just means that your wife has a wonderful voice.

Michael: My wife has a terrible voice and that's not all. I didn't pay you to let her sing in a nightclub.

Peter: I was hired to shadow your wife. To stop her from singing would have been extra.

Now we begin a long sequence of Michael going into the suite with someone new in the bed.

Starting with Georgia.

She tells him that's no way to open a door, even if he did expect his wife on the other side.

Perennial gossipy doorrman/clerk character actor Franklin Pangborn plays the front desk clerk at the Hotel Atlantico. I love spotting him in films.

Michael goes back to the room and now Oscar's in the bed. "Do I look like a Mrs. Elvira Kent?"

Finally, Elvira shows up and asks for the number of Mrs. Kent's room. Who's asking? "Mrs. Michael Kent, and I'll be back."

Oh, and she sees that she's going to be singing that evening. So there's an added bonus for Elvira.

Elvira and Michael just miss each other.

Michael grabs Peter's arm and demands an explanation.

Michael: Listen, Virgil.

Peter: What's the matter?

Michael: I'm going crazy. I can't find my wife. She's disappeared.

Peter: She probably couldn't face you.

Michael: For heaven's sake, what's this all about?

Peter: I might as well tell you the truth. I've fallen in love with your wife.

Michael: What?

Peter: She's fallen in love with me.

Michael: What?

Peter: The only thing I'm ashamed of is it was on your time.

Meanwhile, Elvira's finally found Georgia. "A fine job you've done for me," she says. "So I'm going to sing tonight, am I? Oh, and I see the way you've taken care of my reputation."

Georgia finds out about Peter's true motives throughout the trip as well.

Uncle Lazlo tells Elvira that Michael's at the hotel, so they rush to get her into the bed.

Elvira: Oh, Michael, I'm so glad you came. It's been so lonely without you.

Michael: That's not the way I heard it. Oh, I know all about your little escapades. This Peter Virgil you're in love with happens to be a private detective. I hired him to shadow you. Everything you've done has been reported to me.

Elvira: That's a lie.

That evening, Elvira's planning for her singing debut. Michael's reluctant.

Michael: Well, you're not gonna sing and that's final.

Elvira: Shout all you want to. They paid to see Mrs. Kent, and that's who they'll see.

Michael: Oh, no, they're not.

Elvira: But, Michael, it'll be fun. Why, I sang for the Milk Fund benefit, didn't I?

Michael: Yes, and for two years after that, everyone was drinking their coffee black.

Backstage, Georgia and Oscar are going over the contract: it's written in Elvira's name, so she's not sure if she has the standing to go out there. Instead, she's hopeful that her old singing gig will still be available, and that she "can go back to haunting the travel bureau, piling up literature on places I'll never see. If I'm lucky, I'll meet a man who won't pretend to be in love with me because it's his job."

Everyone's ready for the show to begin, including Peter, who meant to leave but ended up staying.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I came here tonight with every intention of singing for you, but first I'd like you to hear from a very good friend," Elvira says once she's introduced. "She dreamt for years of visiting your beautiful country and always wanted to sing in a glamorous place before a distinguished audience. Will you give her that chance? Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Georgia Garrett."