"The top of the Chrysler Building is not Inspiration Point" - Lover Come Back

Do we really need an excuse, on this blog of all places, to discuss Doris Day and Rock Hudson? I didn't think so! So let's talk about the second of their three films together, Lover Come Back.

via tumbral

Let's dive in!

Listen to the title track, sung by Doris Day, of course, here. 

"This is Madison Avenue, nerve centre of the advertising world," the narrator tells us. "Here in these steel and concrete beehives are born the ideas that decide what we, the public, will eat, drink, drive and smoke, and how we will dress, sleep, shave and smell. In all beehives, there are workers, and there are drones."

This is a drone, according to the narrator. Jerry Webster. Ad Executive at Ramsey & Son. Ladies man, man's man, man about town (to borrow phrasing from Down With Love, a 2003 film that's basically an homage to the Doris Day/Rock Hudson sex comedies). 

These goons show up every once in a while to prove how virile Jerry is; they're in town for a conference (as evidenced by the buttons they're wearing), but I can't decipher it. 

Once he gets to his apartment, he asks the lobby attendant for all the fixings to cure a hangover and get some sleep after a rough night, instead of doing work.  

This is Carol Templeton, worker bee. She's an ad executive at Brackett, MacAlpin and Gaines Advertising. She's actually focused on work, which is Miller Wax, a company looking for a new ad agency. She's all ready to do intensive research into the company and the man who owns it, J. Paxton Miller, so that she can land the account. 

When Jerry's woken up and told about Miller Wax, he requests research of his own: "Get me a book on the Civil War. And tell research I want a complete rundown on J . Paxton Miller. His family background. Will his wife be with him? What brand of liquor does he drink? And what kind of girls does he like?"

"More bourbon, Mr. Miller?" Jerry asks J. Paxton Miller that evening at the Bunny Club? 

Meanwhile, Carol and her team are working through the night to redesign the can of Miller Wax. "Believe me, the agency that lands this account is the one that shows Mr. Miller the most attractive can."

Cut to... 

Some attractive cans, courtesy of Jerry Webster. 

He gets chatting with Mr. Miller and cobbles together this story of his Southern roots to further ingratiate himself. When he says his roots go all the way back to Virginia, he's all but landed the account, and throws a party at Mr. Miller's hotel suite to celebrate. 

(Note: there's a scene here with Edie Adams, who plays Rock Hudson's paramour, Rebel Davis, who's the head bunny at the club, but she comes out wearing a confederate flag bra, so I didn't screenshot her at all. She'll come into play later, so I need to mention her without showing her problematic outfit). 

Carol shows up at the hotel the next morning and can immediately tell she missed something fun. 

This is her introduction to Mr. Miller, who won't even open his eyes to look at the redesigned can of Miller Wax, because he's already signed with Jerry. 

And on her way out, she grabs a Rebel Davis table card from the Bunny Club to take back to her boss to show why they didn't land the account. 

She stops in to talk with Mr. Brackett about Jerry's practices. 

Carol: Mr. Brackett, this man Webster is a disgrace to the advertising business. He should be barred 

from Madison Avenue!

Mr. Brackett: I'd like nothing better. This isn't the first account he's taken away from us.

Carol: Then why don't you haul him up in front of the Advertising Council and charge him with unethical conduct?

Mr. Brackett: And who do you think will testify? Miller? The girls? Besides, there's no law against entertaining a client.

Carol: Well, there must be a law against that kind of entertaining. It was a Roman orgy! I saw this girl being carried out in a bass-fiddle case. You can imagine what else went on.

Carol wants to complain, Mr. Brackett says it's better to just put up with Jerry's practices. Carol tells him, "Mr. Brackett, there are two ways to handle a cold: you can fight it, or you can give in and go to bed with it. I intend to fight it." 

Cut to Peter Ramsey, played by Day/Hudson third wheel Tony Randall. He's parked in the taxi area outside Jerry's apartment. 

"How would you like a fat lip?" he asks the cab driver. "Harrison, give him a fat lip," he tells his driver. Then he disappears up to Jerry's apartment. 

He wakes up Jerry with a warning. "All right, Mr. Webster. Now hear this. It has been brought to my attention that you are guilty of conduct unbecoming an employee of Ramsey and Son. You have embarked upon this course without my knowledge or consent. My father, the Commodore, would not brook insubordination, and now that the command has passed to me, by thunder, neither will I. I demand a full and complete explanation of these charges here and now, or heads will roll. Speak up, man. I'm waiting." 

And, with this total destruction of Peter's cane, the power dynamics that were in play in Pillow Talk are once again established here. Tony Randall just cannot play the strong man in this duo; it doesn't work. 

Peter bemoans the loss of his cane: his psychiatrist had given it to him as a tool to build his confidence. And now he's got another problem: Carol Templeton called him up this morning to lambast him for the way Ramsey and Son conducts its business, and she tells him just how Jerry landed the Miller Wax account. 

Jerry's explanation: "I was up all night in the best interest of Ramsey and Son. I landed a $5,000,000 account in the best interest of Ramsey and Son. And as for you leaving the bridge, you haven't been in the office for two months. And that's in the best interest of Ramsey and Son." 

Peter was gone because he depressed the workers there and nobody took him seriously, for what it's worth. And while he was gone, Jerry landed 10 big accounts and brought in a lot of money for the company; so any questions of his conduct, he feels, are off limits. 

Anyways, Jerry decides that the best way to settle this is to call Carol himself and talk to her straight. 

Cue the Pillow Talk split screen and the classic Day/Hudson banter. 

Carol: Yes, Mr. Webster.

Jerry: Mr. Ramsey here tells me that you spoke to him. And I'd like to ask you a favor. Will you kindly keep your big, fat nose out of my business?

Peter: No! No!

Jerry: If the competition's too tough, get out of the advertising profession.

Carol: You aren't even in the advertising profession. And if I weren't a lady, I'd tell you what profession you are in.

Jerry: Tell me anyway.

Carol: Well, let me put it this way. I don't use sex to land an account!

Jerry: When do you use it?

Carol: I don't!

Jerry: My condolences to your husband.

Carol: I'm not married.

Jerry: That figures.

Carol: What do you mean "that figures"?

Jerry: Well, a husband would be competition. There's only room for one man in a family.

Carol: Let me tell you something, Mr. Webster. I wish I were a man right now!

Jerry: Keep trying. I think you'll make it.

She hangs up on him and gets her assistant to find the number for Rebel Davis at the Bunny Club. 

Then Rebel calls Jerry to tear him a strip for lying to her, yet again, about her big break into commercials. "Carol Templeton surely was right about you," she says, before telling him that Carole wants her to go to the Advertising Council and reveal what she knows, and that she's going to do it!

So Jerry goes down to Rebel's place to talk her out of snitching to the Ad Council and reveals that he's been saving her talents for the right product, and that he's finally found it...

It's called VIP. "It's the product that would have brought you fame and fortune. The key that would have opened the golden door to Hollywood. And you turned it down."

Rebel drags him back to her room, clothed in just a towel, as the two men (Fred and Charlie) appear in the elevator. "Either you've got it or you haven't. He's got it," Fred says. 

So, Jerry and Rebel go to work filming commercials for VIP. There are a few different treatments (since VIP doesn't exist and Jerry didn't even come up with what it would be). 

"Hi there, I'm the VIP girl,"  Rebel says in the beach treatment. "Everything I've got, I owe to VIP." 

"I'm just a slave to any man who uses VIP." 

"Good things have been happening to me since I discovered VIP." 

"I got my man when I got VIP." 

"Oh, yes, folks, everything I got... I owe to VIP." 

After they're finished, Jerry tells the director to put the commercials on the shelf, and then he tells Rebel to go testify to the Ad Council, but that he has a few pointers for her.

Rebel: 'Veritas et robitas super omnia.' That's Latin. That means, 'truth and honor, above all.' 

Ad Council Man: You say that's Mr. Webster's motto?

Rebel: That's the code by which he lives. Many is the night he's walked me to my door, bowed, kissed my hand and said, "Rebel, 'Veritas et robitas super omnia.'"

Carol: This is ridiculous!

The Ad Council reminds her not to badger her own witness, and Carol instead tries to lure Rebel into revealing the details of the wild party for Mr. Miller. "You mean the revival meeting?" Rebel asks. 

Carol then asks why Jerry's not there to defend himself, and Rebel says he's donating blood at the Red Cross ("They wouldn't take his blood. It's 86 proof!" Carol says). After that, he's meeting his Boy Scouts troop for a hike up to Inspiration Point: the top of the Chrysler Building. 

"The top of the Chrysler Building is not Inspiration Point," Carol says. "Why, it is to Mr. Webster. It looks down on Madison Avenue." 

Carol congratulates Rebel after the meeting, for her performance in there, and Rebel lets it slip that Jerry's signed her as the new VIP Girl; that he's trying to land the VIP account. 

Suddenly, Carol has a new goal: find out everything she can about VIP and steal the account from Jerry. 

Jerry and Peter are celebrating over drinks that they've been absolved by the Ad Council and will continue the celebrations at the Ramsey cabin in Canada for a much-deserved vacation...

...but before they go, Peter approves a television saturation campaign with the VIP commercials Jerry shot, and doesn't tell Jerry about it (he's been told by his psychiatrist that he needs to start making big decisions on his own, and...this is a big one). 

Meanwhile, Carol's trying to convince Mr. Brackett to spend $425 on a private detective to track Jerry and find out what VIP is. He tells her that she only has a short window of time to find out what VIP is before he instructs the detective to find something else for Carol: a new job. 

And now, a series of pictures of rugged Rock Hudson out in nature.

Enjoy!

Oh, while they were on the lake, Peter told Jerry about the VIP commercials and Jerry told Peter there's no such thing as VIP, so they cut their vacation short and head back to New York to figure out their next steps.

"Look at these letters," Peter says, reaching into the box of envelopes. "Telegrams. Drugstores, markets, wholesalers calling up. All these people want VIP. We have sold a product that doesn't exist." 

Peter's solution is to fire Hadley (the assistant from before who told him about the commercials). Jerry's solution is to make more commercials, because all they have to do is create VIP, since there's such demand for it. And since nobody knows what VIP is, it can be whatever they decide it is. He asks for the address of Dr. Linus Tyler, a chemist/anarchist, who can create VIP. 

Carol's assistant, Millie, comes rushing in to her office at the same time: the PI found Jerry in the Village at Dr. Linus Tyler's laboratory. Carol rushes off. 

At his lab, Jerry's trying to convince Dr. Tyler to create VIP, but he's proving difficult to sway. 

Dr. Tyler: You're wasting your time, Mr. Webster. Nothing could induce me to again associate myself with that dull, insipid little group called the human race.

Jerry: Well, that's a very wise decision, Doctor. You've quit the world!

Dr. Tyler: They didn't appreciate me when they had me, the fools. Now let them suffer. They want to be misled. I once invented a hair tonic superior to anything else on the market. Would the public buy it? Not until they were told it contained a secret ingredient, TR2748. Do you know what TR2748 was? My phone number. And now with VIP, the idiots have reached the millennium. They've bought nothing!

Jerry: That's right. Unless you come up with something.

Dr. Tyler: Never! Here, in the comfort and security of my laboratory, I'm serenely happy and content. And I have the companionship of the one person worthy of my company. Myself. I want for nothing.

Jerry: You're the one man who can do it.

Dr. Tyler: I will never again prostitute my genius. Not for all the gold on Madison Avenue.

Throughout this speech, Jerry slides more money onto the table until he finally maxes out the cash in his envelope and shows Dr. Tyler this. "How soon do you need it?" Dr. Tyler asks. 

Carol shows up just as Dr. Tyler has spilled materials all over himself and needs to leave the room and change. I think you can guess what's going to happen next? 

That's right. She sees Jerry in an apron, and because she's never met Jerry, she assumes he's Dr. Tyler. 

And he doesn't bother correct her, once he sees how beautiful Carol Templeton is. She takes him out to dinner to talk about the VIP account and how he should sign with her agency, not Jerry's. Then she asks the all-important question: what is VIP? 

He won't tell her. "You see, Mr. Webster's whole strategy is secrecy. To get people talking about VIP and wondering what it is. And I promised him I wouldn't reveal it to anyone. So, until I decide whether to sign with him or someone else, I feel I must respect my promise." 

Carol admires his integrity there, reluctantly. He tells her that he lives by a motto: Veritas et robitas super omnia ("So that's where he stole it," Carol mutters.); and then he encourages her to lay off of Jerry Webster. 

Jerry: Miss Templeton, as my uncle, the missionary, used to say, "If thou canst not speak well of a man, speak not at all."

Carol: You make me feel ashamed of myself.

Jerry: Oh, no. Please, I... It's just that I cannot presume to judge my fellow man. I am but a humble chemist.

Carol: Oh, no, you're a genius and a great humanitarian. And I want to know you better. Doctor, there's so much I can learn from you. 

Jerry: As my father, the philosopher, used to say, "Knock at my door, and I shall take you in." 

Carol: Dr. Tyler, I'm knocking.

Jerry: Miss Templeton, I'm taking you in.

Did I take too many screenshots of Rock Hudson's beard? Yes, yes I did. 

They walk through an aquarium as they banter about men and women, and finally, as a big fish eats a smaller fish behind them, they decide to have dinner together that evening. 

And now that Jerry needs to play the part of the nerdy chemist, he needs the tweed wardrobe to match. 

"Esther! Bring down the suit we made for Prince Rainier's wedding. Prince or no prince, he didn't 

pick it up, he loses it."

Of course he looks good, are you kidding? 

Of course, Fred and Charlie are also eating at The Supper Club. 

They wind up at a strip club because Jerry's goading Carol into doing things that make her uncomfortable under the guise of wanting to be a more manly man (these are the types of things that Jerry Webster would take him to do, so he could just go with Jerry if Carol doesn't want to); Carol doesn't want to lose the VIP account, so she agrees to take him. 

Jerry: Remarkable muscle control! Remarkable. Say, how do you suppose she was able to...

Carol: I really wouldn't know.

Carol decides that from now on, anything that Linus wants to do within that realm will be left to Jerry Webster; she's going to entertain him a different way. 

Starting with, sadly, shaving off that wonderful beard. 

"Your husband's a real doll without the beard!"

Jerry goes to visit Dr. Tyler again to check on his progress. At first he thinks the doc is making toothpaste, but Linus assures him that he simply made a mistake somewhere in the formula. "VIP will be the miracle product. It'll bring relief to the suffering, joy to the depressed, inspiration to the artistic 

and peace to the world, and it will sell for only ten cents."

Jerry tells him to keep working. Cue the montage! 

Jerry-as-Linus keeps Carol entertained and at bay with a series of dates...

...while Peter gets the less glamorous job of checking on Dr. Tyler's progress. This means enduring many explosions that turn his face different colours. 

First he's turned orange... 

...while Jerry has fun with Carol. 

Then he's turned red...

...while Jerry and Carol go sailing.

Finally, he's turned purple...

...while Jerry and Carol frolic at the beach. 

Jerry: I'm sorry I made you drive so far out. Such a lonely stretch of beach.

Carol: That's all right. Really, Linus, you shouldn't be embarrassed to have people see you like that.

Jerry: Well, I...

Carol: No, you look wonderful without your clothes.

Jerry: So do you.

Carol: I meant...

Jerry: So did I.

They talk for a bit about VIP; Jerry asks her if she has any ideas for VIP, that 'Jerry' didn't like Carol's proposed tagline (V-Day is coming) and think she's a one-idea person. Further, 'Jerry' thinks she's undersexed and she thinks he's oversexed. Jerry-as-Linus points out how funny this is, and Carol vows to come up with more ideas for VIP. 

Then she asks what he wants her to teach him next. He says kissing, and she's only too happy to oblige. 

Peter's waiting for Jerry, purple face and all, at his apartment because he keeps getting thrown out of the office's lobby. He's worried that they're going to get caught, that the world will find out there's no such thing as VIP, and he thinks the only way they'll get out unscathed is to commit suicide before it ever gets out. 

Jerry rubs alcohol on Peter's face to try and get rid of the purple (though Peter said he'd already tried alcohol to remove it: he drank three martinis)...

...and, he gets rid of the purple, anyways. 

The next morning, Carol wakes up, opens her curtains and sees something truly horrible outside her window: 

Her tagline on a billboard that her ad agency didn't buy! 

She gets dressed, rushes over to Jerry's apartment to give him a piece of her mind...

...and finds a 'hungover Linus' there instead of Jerry Webster. He explains it away as the drinks Jerry forced on him and the 'funny cigarette' (wink wink) that Jerry made him smoke for how he wound up there, and Carol insists on getting him out of there and away from the bad influence. 

She takes him back to her apartment. 

Jerry: You know, I almost hate to go back to the hotel. Webster's bound to come over and I don't feel like talking to him right now. 

Carol: Well, don't go back to the hotel.

Jerry: Maybe I shouldn't. I'm kind of disillusioned with Webster.

Carol: Well, I should think so.

Jerry: Maybe I shouldn't let him handle the VIP account.

Carol: Whatever you think, Linus. It's your decision.

Jerry: If only I had a quiet, secluded place where I could think about this overnight. Some place where Webster couldn't find me.

Carol: Linus? I know a place where Webster would never find you.

Jerry: Really? Where?

Carol: Right here, in that guest room.

Jerry: In your apartment? Alone with you? All night?

Carol: But it's really like a separate apartment. You have a lock on the door and your own back entrance.

It'll give him time to think about VIP, she argues, and it's somewhere he can concentrate without distraction, so Jerry agrees. 

I love Carol's outfit later that evening. Totally something I'd wear today, once life goes back to normal.

Anyways, she's on the phone with Mr. Brackett, who has Mr. Gaines there (he just got back from Florida), and they want an update on VIP. Carol tells them they'll have more information in the morning, and that she's having dinner with Dr. Linus Tyler shortly. 

Mr. Gaines doesn't buy that Dr. Tyler would ever have dinner in a woman's apartment; and when Mr. Brackett explains all the excursions between Carol and Dr. Tyler, he knows something's up. They get ready and head over to the Village to see what's up at his lab. 

After the two have dinner, they talk about how lovely each other is. 

Jerry: Thank you for a delightful evening. You're a wonderful cook, charming company, and some day, you're gonna make some man a very fine wife.

Carol: Thank you, Linus. And some day, you're going to make some lucky woman a very fine husband.

Jerry: That's kind of you. I'm afraid I could never get married. Good night.

Way to drop a bombshell! 

Carol tries to encourage him, that someday he will get married... 

...and leaves Jerry in bed, miserable about his marriage prospects because he's not a 'real' or 'experienced' man like Jerry Webster. She tells him that any woman would love him and he asks her to prove it. 

So she goes back to the kitchen to have an existential crisis through song, because this is a Doris Day movie, and she tries to determine if she wants to help 'Linus' learn the love of a woman while singing 'Should I Surrender.' Listen here. 

Just as she's worked up the courage to go into 'Linus's' bedroom, her phone rings. It's Mr. Brackett and Mr. Gaines calling from a payphone in the Village. 

"Miss Templeton, I don't usually discharge employees over the phone, but in your case, I'm making an exception. I just left Dr. Linus Tyler, and he said he never heard of you!" Mr. Brackett says. 

Carol says that's impossible, he's in her apartment at this very moment. "I don't know who you're entertaining, but it's not Linus Tyler!" Mr. Brackett retorts, slamming down the receiver. 

Naturally, Carol's wondering who she's been casually dating...

...so she picks up his wallet out of his discarded jacket and opens it. 

And she's disgusted that she's been fed a lie by Jerry Webster. If only Carol Templeton could've talked to Jan Morrow to figure out how to handle this kind of subterfuge.

She goes into 'Linus's' bedroom and tells him that she wants to give him some confidence (wink wink), never once letting on that she knows his true identity. 

So she takes him back to their secluded beach and tells him to strip off. Once he's naked, she'll take off her clothes as well... 

...but then, as soon as he puts his clothes in her car and tells her that it's her turn, she yells, "Good night, Mr. Webster!" and takes off, leaving Jerry stranded naked at the beach. He's picked up by a delivery van. 

"You know, I've picked up some hitchhikers in my day, but, man, you were a weird sight, running along the road in them seaweed jockey shorts," the driver tells him. 

Jerry has to walk back into his apartment in a ladies fur coat, leading to one last glimpse of Fred and Charlie...

..."That's the last guy in the world I would have figured."

Now, with the truth out, Carol has more than enough evidence for the Ad Council, and for the police to throw Peter and Jerry in jail for selling a product that doesn't exist. Before he leaves to testify, Peter comes in and produces an iron-clad document that'll help him: a confession. Jerry won't sign, naturally, because that means he'll spend at least five years in jail!

But then they're saved when Dr. Tyler comes in with his miracle product: VIP. It looks like sugar cookies. So Peter starts eating them and Jerry's just happy to have some kind of product for the Ad Council. 

Dr. Tyler tries to warn Peter not to eat so many, but Peter says, "Don't worry about me. I can hold my candy." He thinks they're mints.

"This priceless pastille which you so carelessly refer to as a mint is in reality a triumph of advanced biochemistry. Looks like candy. Tastes like candy. Goes down like candy. But it enters the bloodstream as pure alcohol," Dr. Tyler says. "Each one of these is the equivalent of three martinis." 

Jerry shows up at the Ad Council with VIP. Carol's infuriated that, once again, Jerry may squeeze through this unscathed. 

I mean, I'd be all over VIP if it came in those packages, and I'm basically a teetotaler. 

"Would I advertise it if there weren't [a product?" Jerry asks. "That would be dishonest."

So, once again, Jerry's absolved of any wrongdoing, and even Carol eats one of the VIP candies.

...and we cut back to Ramsey and Son, where the office is in chaos thanks to Peter, who's had more than enough VIP. 

His psychiatrist finds him in the elevator shaft holding onto the cables. "I'm King of the Elevator!" he proclaims.

Then we cut to an extremely hungover Jerry Webster, who's just woken up in an unfamiliar room...

...with "V Day is Here" written in lipstick on the mirror...

...and a Maryland marriage certificate...

...signed by Carol Templeton and Jerry Webster. 

Jerry finally realizes he's not alone, and pulls back the bedcovers to reveal a still-sleeping Carol. 

He tries to wake her gently. "I had the most wonderful dream," she says, waking up. "Dr. Tyler and I were..."

And then she starts shrieking when she realizes she's in a room with Jerry Webster. He tells her that they're married, causing her to shriek some more. 

"Some girls just aren't ready for marriage."

He shows her the marriage license to prove that he's not lying. 

And she storms off. "You listen to me. No alcoholic beverage, no drug known to science, no torture yet devised could induce me to stay married to you!" she exclaims, telling him that she's going to have the marriage annulled as soon as she can. 

Jerry calls Peter to find out what happened. 

Jerry: Hello, Pete? This is Jerry. I'm in Maryland, but I don't know how I got here.

Peter: I'll tell you how you got there. You ate some of those poison pellets your Frankenstein friend Tyler came up with. Candy nothing! That stuff turns into pure alcohol.

Jerry: Oh, that explains it. What about the Ad Council?

Peter: Well, they found Northcross barricaded in the ladies' lounge at Radio City Music Hall. Williams was on stage, dancing with the Rockettes. And Magnuson just washed up on the beach at Waikiki. Yeah, he's alive. Can't find the District Attorney though.

Jerry: Oh? Is he a gray-haired man with a moustache? I think he was best man at my wedding.

Jerry returns, ready to sign the confession and take the blame for VIP, when two gentlemen come in looking for him. 

Peter rushes out of the room when they show up, convinced they're the FBI about to raid them for VIP, and throws Jerry totally under the bus. 

Turns out they represent the liquor industry and they want to buy the VIP formula so they can destroy it: it'll ruin their industry if VIP is mass produced. 

Jerry: The liquor industry spends roughly $60 million a year in advertising. Right?

Liquor Rep: Right. And we're prepared to give you 20% of our total billing. You can open your own

agency with an account like that.

Jerry: Twenty-five percent.

Liquor Rep: Agreed.

Jerry: And you're not to give the account to me. You're to give it to Mrs... That is... Miss Carol Templeton, of Brackett, MacAlpin and Gaines.

They all agree on the deal, and Jerry tells them to forward a contract to him in San Francisco, since he's going to transfer to the West Coast office. 

Nine months later, Carol's assistant, Millie, is calling Jerry on the West Coast with an urgent matter. "You know that girl you married nine months ago and she got it annulled? Well, it seems that there was something she couldn't get annulled. She'd kill me if she knew I was calling you, but I think that every man has a right to know when he's about to become a father." 

Jerry's on the next plane for New York. 

And on the ride to the hospital, with Millie, Peter and a judge who can marry them, he takes a ring that Millie's been holding onto so that he can make an honest woman of Carol. 

Carol: I will not marry you. Now go away, I'm busy.

Jerry: Darling, I love you.

Carol: No, you don't. You went to California and forgot me.

Jerry: Forgot you? I sent you hundreds of letters. I wrote one every day for eight months.

Carol: And the ninth month, when I needed you most, not a word!

Jerry: I didn't know what was happening. You sent back every letter, unopened.

Carol: If you loved me, you'd have kept on writing.

Jerry: Darling, I do love you. Please marry me!

Carol: Well, I'll have to think about it. I don't want to rush into anything.

Jerry: Now you listen to me. You're going up there to have my baby, my son...

Carol: It's my baby and I'll have what I want, and I've decided to have a girl.

Jerry: Have whatever makes you happy. I love you both. Now will you marry me?

Carol: I always wanted a church wedding.

Jerry: The next baby, we'll have a church wedding. Now, please, say yes.

Carol: Oh, yes!

Just as Carol's wheeled into the delivery room, the judge says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

The medical staff says, "Man! That's what I call cutting it close!" 

THE END!