Ranking the Husbands in What a Way to Go!

It's Box Office Poisons' first anniversary today! And to celebrate, I'm having a little fun today.

What a Way to Go! is one of my favourite movies because it's so bonkers and wonderful and is literally the way I'd want to live my life if I could get a mulligan. 

If you've never seen it, it's about a woman, played by Shirley MacLaine, who is four times a widow trying to give away her massive fortune, and she tells her life story in flashbacks based on different movie-style spoofs (silent, art/foreign film, big budget, and musical). It's glorious. 

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So now I present a totally scientific, not at all subjective, ranking of all of Louisa's husbands based on scientific reasoning and definitely not my own personal preferences. Let's dive in!

Paul Newman as Larry Flint

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Larry is ranked first because he's Paul Newman. There is no contest or other criteria I will be considering in this decision. Living in a garret in a bohemian area of Paris with Paul-as-Larry the painter? Sign me up! Only thing is...his spoof is the foreign film, so there's a lot of avant-garde and esoteric life to be lived, but it's a small price to pay to be married to Paul Newman. 

Death Ranking: Hoisted with his own petard when his invention turns against him. This is what happens when you think you can control the machines. We're all just players in their game. 

Gene Kelly as Pinky Benson

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He's a literal clown. A literal. clown. And everything he owns is pink! That pink mansion is fabulous, and I'd love to have pink hair (I'm not that brave in real life!). Plus, he can dance like he's Gene Kelly or something (eh? eh?). And, his sequence is the big budget mid-century musical with the gigantic stage and the many extras and the great set designs, so why wouldn't you want to choose Pinky? 

Death Ranking: Oof. Trampled to death by his many fans. What a way to go, indeed.

Dean Martin as Leonard Crawley

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I mean, there are worse men to end up with than Dean Martin. I wouldn't complain, certainly. The fact that he starts out rich but then loses all his money and attributes his simple life to reading Thoreau is kind of annoying, but he and Louisa do live a good and simple life, so he'd make a good husband. 

Death Ranking: He lives! 

Robert Mitchum as Rod Anderson Jr. 

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Rod is a big budget businessman who stars in the big budget spoof movie, and it's such a high-flying life, but then Louisa convinces him to give it all up to live on a farm and there he meets his maker. He'd be a fine husband so long as you live in the lifestyle he's accustomed to. 

Death Ranking: The only one where I was actually like, "Man, what a way to go..." cause he gets kicked in the head by a bull after giving up all his money and moving to a farm. Literally one way I would not want to go.

Dick van Dyke as Edgar Hopper

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I'm ranking Edgar last because he didn't last long and also seemed kinda insufferable with his close readings of Thoreau and his wanting to live a simple life. Also, their style is the silent era, and why would you want to live so barebones when you could live so opulently? (I guess this is how I differ from Louisa...)

Death Ranking: Boring. He works himself to death. I watch this movie to escape, not to see my future... 

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Which husband would you rank first? Did you love What a Way to Go!? It's so good! Let me know your thoughts in the comments.